Winter's Fire
by Marvel-Tolkien Fangirl
Summary: Co-authored by Myth Queen. Loki and Atum struggle to adjust to their new situation, while dealing with a sinister threat, and the reactions of their friends and family. It takes place shortly after Chapter Twelve of 'Scarlet Dawn' and will make more sense if you're familiar with that, and the other stories in the Shadows universe.
1. Chapter 1

**Winter's Fire**

**Chapter One**

_**AN: This takes place immediately after Chapter Twelve of Scarlet Dawn, and was jointly authored by me and Myth Queen.**_

Loki pushed away from Atum as soon as the light around them faded. Atum let him. He had fathered children in the past, but this was... a surprise to say the least. Why had he not seen it before? Perhaps because the only time they had met previously his attention was focused on Chthon's rage. Perhaps because Loki's black hair was the only resemblance to Farbauti the boy had.

_He looks so much like me_, Atum thought. _Especially the anger in his eyes_.

"Where are we?" Loki asked, looking around. He took in the cloistered fruit trees and frowned. "Is this Asgard?"

"The orchards outside the palace," Atum confirmed.

Loki glared at him, quickly shaking off the disorientation the transport had caused.

"How long have you known?"

Atum answered honestly. "Since Thor named you Farbauti's child, and I saw my own features on you."

"Do you really expect me to believe that?" Loki demanded harshly.

How could he answer?

"No. I imagine you do not. Yet it is the truth. My affair with Farbauti ended mere months before you were born. She never told me of her pregnancy."

Sullen silence answered him. Atum resisted the urge to rub his eyes. How was he supposed to act in such a situation, finding out he had another son the same time the boy found out?

"I honestly do not know what you expect me to say. I never imagined anything like this, back when you and I first met... I had no idea you were Farbauti's... that you were..." Why was the word so difficult to say? "Mine."

Loki recoiled from the word as though he had been physically struck. Disgust and rage warred in his eyes.

"You mean back when you were going to chop off my head because I was a child who made a stupid mistake?" Atum forced himself not to flinch. Loki went still, and his voice flattened. "Whether you knew or not is irrelevant, I suppose. It changes nothing."

Atum responded with stone-cold silence. How could nothing have changed?

Loki turned away. "And I thought my life couldn't get any worse!"

Pressing his fingers to his temples, Atum sighed.

"I have no idea where to go from here. Do you wish for your adoptive family to know of this?"

"Oh, yes, of course," Loki spat sarcastically. "I would love for all to know exactly what sort of pathetic creature I am! You should have killed me as a child."

Instantly Atum's mind went to his niece, Hnossa- her fate had been accidental!

"I do not kill children!"

"The stories say differently. And are you telling me that all those threats in Asgard those long years ago were hollow bluffs?"

No. They had not. And there had been many children who had perished by his blade, for reasons so varied that he couldn't remember them all. But he did not kill infants, which was what he had meant... He gazed sadly at his newly-discovered son. Loki's shoulders tensed. Clearly he thought that he had crossed a line... was he expecting to hear a blade being drawn? Neither moved for a long time.

"Doesn't matter. I'm not a child anymore," Loki muttered.

Atum was lost for words.

"No."

"'No' what?"

"You asked me if I expected you to let me live a second time after this mess with Chthon. The answer is no."  
Atum wasn't sure how to respond. He had certainly given Loki no reasons previously to expect any different.

"I..." he started, and had to swallow down his frustration with his own inarticulate thoughts. "I am not going to kill you."

"Why not?" Loki's words were drowning in sarcasm, but Atum tried to answer as honestly and sincerely as he could.

"You are all that is left of Farbauti. Some part of her should remain among the living."

He turned away as Loki stood still, processing the words. Farbauti had been a brief shining light in his life, giving him comfort when none else could. He had kept her memory a warm spot in his mind, but he couldn't tell this boy that, though they were father and son.

"So you are sparing my life because of some half-breed jotun?"

He was right to keep the whole truth from the boy. Atum gritted his teeth.

"I am sparing the life of my son, the son of the woman I loved. Her race is of no consequence!"

There was silence for a long time before Loki spoke again, quietly, almost to himself. "So that's the truth of it, is it?"

"What?"

"The real reason that you didn't kill me when I was a child, why you were satisfied with merely telling me that I was irrevocably evil, that nothing I could do would ever be good enough to rid myself of that-" Loki choked on his words and then turned, his green eyes blazing. "Because of some whorish woman who could not be bothered with sparing the life of her own son, because he was also the son of a monster."

Blood pounded in Atum's ears. He ignored the insult to his own being. It was true enough, wasn't it? "What I said of you in childhood was merely a vague foresight." His voice as cold and deliberate. "And you will never again, in my hearing, speak of Farbauti in such a manner, is that understood?"

"Understood, yes. Followed?" The son looked into the father's eyes and spoke just as coldly and deliberately. "Why should I care what you think of that heartless harlot?" He stepped forward. "How are you going to stop me, father? Prove yourself a liar as well as a murderer and kill me?"

Rage surged in him; flames wreathed his hands. He grabbed Loki's arms; the flame bit through the leather. Loki cried out with pain. It wasn't enough. Atum burned his neck and then threw him to the ground, pressing his hands between the boy's shoulder blades. Loki screamed and Atum came back to himself. What was he doing? Was this all he was?

He opened his mouth to speak, but no words came. Guilt and disgust began to chip away at his anger. Shaking his head, he turned and walked away, his eyes downcast.

Behind him, Loki began to laugh hysterically. "I would have thought that the son of Chthon could do better than that!"

Atum whirled back round, his eyes black. He sent a bolt of power through his outstretched arm. Loki's eyes widened as it lifted him from the ground, throwing him back several feet. He gasped for breath.

"NEVER CALL ME THAT AGAIN!" Atum roared, advancing on him.

Loki struggled back to his feet, his bitter laughter somewhat weakened. He swayed and then fell to his knees. He began to cough. As Atum got nearer, he saw blood splattering against the ground. Loki pressed a hand to his abdomen; his pale skin quickly turned slick and red. Atum rushed forward. How much damage had he done? He caught Loki as he swayed, but the boy pushed him away weakly. Blood from his hands smeared onto Atum's skin.

"I am in need of assistance!" Atum shouted, trying to draw attention, not letting Loki go.

"Don't need- don't want... shodogon... die."

What was he saying?

"I am not going to watch you die."

"Wh-" Loki clenched his eyes, gasping with pain, and coughed up more blood. "Sigyn- cousin... D'you think," he coughed again, "knows?"

Sigyn? His niece?

"What?" His niece. "Oh! No, I doubt that she knows. This will makes things difficult if you truly wish to pursue her."

Loki rolled his eyes, apparently disgusted.

"'Nough incest."

"Find another love then!"

"Never loves." Loki tried to push himself up, and his coughing increased. His face was rapidly losing what little colour it had. "Not her – him-"

"What are you talking about? You need to relax- save your strength-" He looked around. Surely there had to be someone nearby!

"Is ... why ... chose me?"

"You are making no sense!" Loki's eyes were flickering. Atum looked around frantically. "Someone HELP!"  
Loki grunted in frustration. He grabbed Atum's neck. With a intense look of concentration, he forced the words from his bloody lips.

"Does Chthon know I'm-"

His eyes rolled to the back of his skill and he went utterly still.

_To be continued..._


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter Two**

"No," Atum muttered, cradling his son's head in his hands. Blood was still trickling from Loki's lips, and his abdomen was slick.

Atum looked up as the sounds of footsteps approached. It was Frey, his younger half-brother. Relief flooded through Atum. The younger god stopped as he took in the scene, his eyes widening at the sight of all the blood and Atum leaning over Loki's still form.

"What have you done?"

Atum's jaw clenched. "Why does everyone always assume- I did not do this! He was injured on Midgard, and has not yet been treated!"

"What happened on Midg- Never mind. We need to get him to the healing rooms, if- Never mind. Healing rooms."

Atum scooped Loki up carefully, ignoring Frey as he reached to do the same. Loki's head fell onto Atum's shoulder. His breathing was hoarse and ragged. Worry, guilt and a trace of anger raged inside of Atum. He gestured to his half-brother to lead the way. Frey did so, trotting quickly through the twisting streets. Soon Atum could see the palace. The guards looked stunned to see the three men, but a black glare from Atum stopped them from intervening.

"I know it's not my place," Frey murmured, "but... What happened?"

"I told you, he received injuries during an altercation with Chthon on Midgard, and refused to seek aid. I... may have made things worse." Atum's voice faltered. He hung his head briefly, but would not allow anybody, kin or no, to see his weakness. "We had a disagreement."

"Disagreement about what?"

"We both learned some...unknown things about his heritage." Loki groaned, and Atum looked down at him. He could see very little of Farbauti in the boy, but what little he did see was worth holding onto. "Ever Fate plays cruel tricks upon families."

"You didn't know?"

"No."

"Oh. I thought that you knew..."

Atum suddenly realised that Frey could not possibly be talking of the same thing he was. It was not possible that he knew! "What are you talking of?"

Frey opened his mouth hesitantly. "That... you're his father..." He hurriedly continued, seeing Atum's look of disbelief and fury. "He looks just like you. And I'm not as stupid as everybody thinks. I was there when Odin found him. He told me that he had left the jotun infant behind, but I had seen the queen just weeks before it was announced that she had given birth, and she was not with child."

"If you suspected, why did you never find a way to ask me?"

Frey's brows arched. "It wasn't my place to ask, half-brother. I thought you must have your reasons, and who am I to question them? I could have put you both at risk by saying anything."

"I..." Atum did not often find himself feeling grateful for the actions of the lesser gods, but Frey's quiet ways were often a source of surprise to him. "Thank you. I would prefer it if you continued to hold your silence, but..."

"But? You're not going to go all big and scary and-" Frey cut off, seemingly just remembering that this was one being he shouldn't tease. "Never mind."

Atum rolled his eyes.

"One thing... People don't really like Jotuns around here... even if they don't look like Jotuns..."

"So? I doubt they will argue with _me_."

"Well... Some of them..." Frey hesitated a moment longer and then shrugged, muttering; "Freyja can take care of herself."

Atum frowned. What did Frey's twin sister have to do with this? While it could not be said that they had mended the hurt between them, it had been a long time since Atum and Freyja were on terms that bordered on the violent. However, when Atum carried Loki into the healing rooms, he saw what Frey had meant. Freyja's two daughters Idunn and Nanna were busy helping treat minor injuries, and Freyja herself seemed to be supervising the whole lot of healers. Everyone stopped to stare at the bizarre sight, wide-eyed.

Loki began to convulse.

"Is this a healing room or statuary?" Atum demanded, glaring at them all. "Do something!"

Two male healers rushed forward. They took Loki from Atum's arms and whisked him away, calling for healing stones. Atum made to follow, but Freyja quickly strode to stand in his way. Her blue eyes narrowed and she put her hands on her hips.

"What did you do to him?" she demanded.

Atum didn't reply, giving her only a brief disdainful look before moving to step around her. She again blocked his path. Frey rushed forward and whispered something in Freyja's ear.

"_WHAT_?"

Frey winced. "Quiet-"

Atum glared at his half-brother. "So much for you keeping silent!"

Freyja shook her head, recovering from her shock. "Never mind that. I've never been fond of him, but the fact remains that we need to know what happened in order to help him. So, I repeat; what did you do to him?"

"He was injured in some manner at Chthon's hands on Midgard, I know not how. I briefly became angered, and struck him, perhaps harder than I intended, but the majority of the damage was Chthon's doing."

Freyja had gone pale at the mention of Chthon, but turned to her daughters. "Nanna! Run and fetch Eir, we will need her expertise."

The girl nodded and took off.

A nearby healer suddenly spoke out. "Why do we waste our skills healing a jotun?"

Atum opened his mouth to reply sharply, but Freyja stepped in first.

"Jotun or not, Loki is still Prince of this realm! Or would you like to discuss this with the king and queen?"

The healer bowed his head.

"Thank you," Atum murmured to Freyja.

She sniffed haughtily and tossed her hair back. "I do this to avoid Odin's displeasure."

She turned on her heel and headed away with the blonde woman that Nanna had just lead back. The healers were all looking at him strangely. Atum was not sure what he should do next. He frowned, almost sadly, at Freyja's retreating back.

"Thank you all the same."

.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.- .-.-.-.-.

Loki had always felt his mind was his sanctuary. It was safe inside, where no one could touch him, where he could think the thoughts he daren't say aloud. But now it had turned into a prison. He was vague aware of the stiffness of his body, lying somewhere he knew not, but inside his mind he was standing in a bleak grey field, dark grasses rippling in the sunless light. He sensed a change behind him, and turned to see Atum, standing golden in the field. The only colour in a bleak world. Loki recoiled in disgust from him.

"What are you doing here?"

"I wanted to talk to you. And at least in this situation, you cannot walk away."

"I didn't walk away," Loki spat, but couldn't hold onto his anger. "I deliberately antagonised you, but I wasn't leaving..."

"Then what were you attempting to do? I made it clear I was not going to kill you."

Words were nothing. Loki dug his palms into his eyes and looked at Atum again."Is this real? Are you here, or am I just hallucinating?"

The elder god considered the question for a moment. "I may be a hallucination, but then, I might just be saying that. Whichever you prefer."

Loki sank onto the colourless grass and hid his face in his hands. "I don't want you to be my father," he whispered.

He didn't see Atum flinch. "Why?"

"I want Odin to be my father, Frigga my mother, Thor and Balder my brothers... like it used to be." _Back before I was a monster..._

With a sigh, Atum sat beside him. "I know how that feels at least. My earliest years were spent under the belief that the being Demiurge was my father...finding out that it was not the case was... difficult."

Silence.

"And then later, Gaea did bear a child by Demiurge, and I had to treat him as a full brother, though he and I both knew that was not so..."

"But he is your brother."

"Blood alone does not make kin. I do not call any of Chthon's offspring my siblings. And there is no reason why you cannot still view Thor and Balder as your brothers."

"Balder, maybe..." Loki looked up. He had watched Balder grow from infancy, helped him with his first steps, his first words. Taught him – _attempted_ to teach him magic. "But you said I was going to kill him."

Atum's gaze was steady. "Yes...yet I could not see a reason. I have slaughtered many of Gaea's other children, but only to prevent evil. It may be that your situation will be similar."

Loki shook his head. "Balder could never do anything evil."

"Malevolent beings can take innocent forms, as you saw today," Atum said broodingly.

"Still wouldn't be worth it."

"Only time will tell." There was silence for a moment. "Before you passed out, what where you trying to ask me? About Chthon?"

What had been trying to ask? Loki racked his brain for those last moments of consciousness. "Does he know? That I'm..." He couldn't bring himself to say it. "Is that why he chose me, all those years ago?"

"I doubt it, but I am not aware of everything that he knows."

"He didn't kill me, though, when I went into the flickering realm."

"No. There could be other reasons, though."

"Perhaps he saw my potential for evil." Loki smirked bitterly. "How do you live with yourself? Knowing all the people you've killed? You tell yourself it was for a just cause, but late at night... the dreams and regrets... Do you ever wonder, if maybe it could have been different, if maybe... maybe..."

"Alone, I think of nothing else," Atum admitted quietly, further cementing Loki's belief that he was just a figment his mind made up. "But those things cannot be changed. We all do what we judge to be right at the time, even if hindsight proves us wrong. And I live with myself because there is no alternative."

Loki pressed his palms to his eyes. "For you, maybe."

"Taking you own life will not undo your actions," Atum replied sharply. "It will only cause more grief."

Loki looked up, glaring, his voice dripping with sarcasm. "Thanks, I didn't know that one already. Besides, it didn't work last time. Only got worse."

"That is usually the case if you attempt suicide." His eyes turned away, a deep haunted look coming to them. "I tried it once. It is the coward's way out, saying you are not brave enough to face life."

"Tell me."

Atum sat down beside him. "It was just after I had found out my true heritage," he said slowly. "I... fled from all places I knew, believing that i had never belonged there. I... The details aren't important. Gaea found me in time. It was the first time Demogorge emerged. Gaea... was nearly killed."

"How did you stop it?" Loki whispered.

"I didn't," Atum replied grimly. "Chthon was watching. He wanted Gaea to feel the pain of what "she" had driven her son to do. He was so gleeful, seeing me in that form. Gaea managed to use a spell to revert me back into myself. Chthon told me... that was my true heritage, and that I needed to embrace it or forever be branded a coward."

Loki stared in disbelief, and fought the immediate hope that rose in him, that maybe his own feelings about his heritage were not wrong. That maybe he could deny his Jotun blood the same way that Atum denied his Chthonic father...

Atum suddenly glanced around, appearing distracted. He frowned. "It appears someone else is demanding my attention." His gaze focused on Loki again. "We will speak again soon."

He disappeared. Loki stared in shock.

"What? But... you weren't real..."

.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.- .-.-.-.-.-.

Loki lay white and still on the narrow bed in a room just off the healing rooms. The healers had removed his clothes, treating his injuries and bandaging his chest and abdomen before dressing him in simple, loose clothing. Atum sat nearby, his huge hand on Loki's forehead. As he withdrew from Loki's mind, his gaze drifted over the green and white candles scattered throughout the room. He turned as the door opened.

Thor and Balder rushed in, followed closely by Sigyn. Seeing Loki's state, Thor roared in anger, bringing his hammer up.

Atum sighed in annoyance.

"STEP AWAY FROM MY BROTHER!"

With a wave of Atum's hand, Mjölnir was surrounded by white sun-fire. Thor yelped and was forced to drop the weapon, which fell with a deafening bang. The newcomers froze at the almost concerned expression on Atum's face.

"I will not harm him," he assured them.

Thor turned to Balder and Sigyn. "I will have words with him alone."

Balder opened his mouth to protest but Sigyn put her hand on his arm. Thor's expression was bordering on berserker, and the fiery power still surrounded Mjolnir. It would be wise to remove themselves from the situation. Slowly, the two left.

"He was well when you took him from Midgard," Thor accused.

"If by 'well' you mean 'suffering from internal injuries that had no outward signs!' He collapsed while I was speaking with him, and I brought him here immediately when that happened."

"You have already threatened his life once today, why would I believe that you did not do the same again? He was not _burned_ on Midgard!"

Atum felt the shame twisting his gut, but tried to keep it from his face. "No. That _was_ my doing, but he was trying to anger me, I meant him no harm. Things have... changed. There are things you are unaware of, half-brother."

"Then perhaps you should enlighten me!"

"I cannot. This does not solely concern me, and I will reveal nothing until Loki is able to say yea or nay."

Thor narrowed his eyes. After a moment he said. "Jord accompanied my brother, Sigyn and I back to Asgard."

Atum raised one eyebrow. "What has that to do with this?"

Thor edged towards Loki, as though he wanted to get between him and Atum. "She will want to see you. And I don't trust you to be near my brother."

"Tell her to come here, I will not leave until Loki awakes, and there is something I need to discuss with her anyway. I give you my word, no harm will come to him while I am here."

Thor frowned at the uncharacteristic protectiveness of Atum's voice. "It was but hours ago when you threatened his life once again," he reminded him.

Atum sighed softly. "I would take back those words if I could."

"You can understand my reluctance to believe you," Thor replied sharply. "If you speak the truth, then I would have nothing to fear leaving this room. But if you lie, my brother is in danger. Can you tell me nothing of what "changed"?"

Atum looked at Loki. His son. "All I will say at this point is that you and I are now kin for more than one reason, if you still truly consider Loki your brother."

"He is and will always be my brother, and any who says differently will have to answer to Mjölnir."

_Would you be so adamant about that if you knew he was also your nephew?_ Atum thought.

Thor walked over to Loki. "I wish that he could see it the way I do. His heritage does not matter, not to me."

"True heritage can be hard to forget, if it is rooted in darkness. I hope things will become easier for Loki now... " Atum considered his half-brother. "Thor...if I reveal something, could you keep it hidden for a while? From _everyone_?"

"Of what nature is this revelation?"

"It concerns Loki's heritage. You already know he is not pure Jotun."

Thor's brows narrowed, trying to decipher Atum's meaning.

"Earlier, when I asked about Farbauti..." Atum trailed off.

"Say what you mean to say, stop dancing around the issue. You sound like Loki."

The irony had no bounds."I knew Farbauti, we were very close until nigh the end of the Aesir/Jotun war. Loki was born not long afterwards. What do you think I mean to say?!"

"Close as in..." Thor's brows shot up as he came to understand. "Oh." He looked at Loki. "So his father... was not Laufey."

"No. Remember, this stays between us for now."

"Why did you never tell anyone?"

Atum rubbed his eyes. Why did everyone assume that he knew? "Had I known before _mere hours ago_, I would have!"

"I see."

Thor appeared to be in a daze. He went to the door, and as he opened it two figures tumbled in. Atum snarled an oath and stalked over to them. It was Freyja's youngest, Nanna, and Thor's brother Balder. Both looked up with expressions halfway between sheepishness and terror.

"What are you doing here?!" Thor demanded.

"We were... um..." A panicked look came to Balder's eye as he desperately sought an answer.

"Kissing!" Nanna blurted, and then instantly turned red and Atum, Thor and Balder stared at her in disbelief. She stuttered for a moment. "What I really meant was... um... we were... not kissing at all. We were..."

"Eavesdropping," Thor supplied.

The two young gods looked at the ground sheepishly. Atum grabbed the back of Balder's tunic and dragged him out of the room, Thor leading Nanna quietly after them. Once they were safely scampering away, Atum shook his head.

"They won't say anything," Thor said doubtfully.

"Forgive me if I don't take your word for it." Atum glared at the closed doorway for a moment, wondering how much the youngsters could have overheard.

Both turned back as Loki groaned. His eyes fluttered, but he did not wake. Eir, the goddess of healing, slipped into the room between the two sons of Gaea and put her hand against Loki's forehead.

"The healing stones are working," she murmured. "He should have woken by now."

"Why hasn't he, then?" asked Thor.

"I do not know," Eir replied. Her gaze flickered to Atum, but whether she thought he had something to do with it, she didn't say.

Atum leaned back into the shadows, where he felt safer from the unspoken accusations in the room. What was preventing Loki from awakening? "I will attempt to reach his mind again," he said suddenly, moving past the lesser gods. He sat, and laid his hand on Loki's forehead. He blew out a long breath and then closed his eyes...

_To be continued..._


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter Three**

It was more difficult to enter Loki's mind than it had been the first time. Atum pushed his way through a forest of fog, to emerge in the bleak landscape of before. Only this time it was darker, and there was a coldness that had not been there before. He quickly found the cause; a huge shadow towered over Loki, darkness like a blade swinging towards him. Loki had a thin blade that he used to defend himself, but brilliant scarlet blood leaked from his pale skin.

Atum hesitated. This shadow could merely be the manifestation of Loki's own inner demons, and to interfere could do more damage than good. But then Loki stumbled and the shadow struck him hard across the back. Loki screamed, and Atum sensed a distinct reaction from his sleeping physical form. He flared up, reaching out to the shadow, hoping that he would not encounter Chthonic energy. To his relief, the shadow fled, and he sensed no trace of Chthon.

Loki stumbled to his feet, looking after the shadow. Atum caught him and held him steady, noticing how badly he was shaking.

"What was- Was that... _him_?" Loki gasped.

"No. That spectre is entirely your own creation."

"My creation?"

"The mind is a tricky thing. Yours seemingly has conjured this thing, for reasons I cannot yet fathom."

Loki pulled himself away from Atum, regaining his composure. "I see. Why are you here again?"

Atum looked at his son and tried to answer as sincerely as he could. "I was concerned because you had not yet woken, despite your body being almost fully healed."

Loki's eyes flashed. "Thank you for confirming that it was in fact you, and not a hallucination in my mind earlier."

"Is that going to cause a problem?"

"Perhaps," Loki turned away, rubbing his eyes. "When you... _advised_ me against... preventing further evil in the future... It was not my mind trying to convince me I have something left worth living for."

Atum groaned in dismay. If the boy was anything like him – and clearly, he was – then it would be difficult to argue against a point that he had already decided upon. And, Atum had to admit, he had never been one for positive encouragement.

"I don't want to be me anymore," Loki murmured, and then ground his teeth in frustration. "_Why_ do I keep telling _you_ these things?"

"Father or not," Atum replies, "I am virtually a stranger. Sometimes strangers are easier to talk to."

His statement elicited silence from Loki, who seemed to contemplate his words. He turned suddenly, a light in his eyes telling Atum that an idea had suddenly occurred to him.

"Can you-"

Atum waited. When Loki did not finish, he raised a single eyebrow. "Can I what?"

"Erase my memories," Loki said, quietly, hesitantly.

"Why would you want me to do that?"

"I just said that I don't want to be me anymore."

Atum sighed, and looked at his son sadly. Loki returned the look with defiance.

"Taking your memories would not change your identity, Loki. It would just add confusion to it."

"Then what am I supposed to do?" Loki challenged. "How can I change this?"

"You can't. The past is past. You have to accept that, and focus only on the future."

"All I can see in my future is darkness."

Atum was silent for a moment. How many times had he thought that same thing? "You cannot give into it, or that darkness will only grow stronger. There is always a flicker of light, somewhere, if you look closely enough."

Loki stared at Atum, the challenge and defiance fading to a plea. "How?" he whispered.

"Focus on the things that you _do_ have, rather on things you do not."

"I have lost all I once had, except this life... And I would cut it short, if I was not so afraid of what may come after it."

A thousand thoughts ran through Atum's head, but no words came to his lips. He knew of nothing that he could say to make this better. When he was faced with such dark thoughts, there was always Gaea that he turned to, and she knew precisely the thing to say to him. But words had never been his strength.

"Odin disowned me as his son," Loki whispered, to himself more than to Atum. "Loki Laufeyson he called me... Just before sentencing the rest of my wicked days to solitude in the dungeons – "

Suddenly the bleak landscape that they found themselves in shifted. It twisted like water running down a drain, and colour and brightness dripped in from above, until it appeared that they were standing in the palace of Asgard. Atum glanced around quickly. Another Loki was standing not far away, his wrists chained. Odin, too, was there, his back towards Loki, unable to see the pain mixed with the anger in his eyes.

The Loki beside Atum grit his teeth and clenched his hands.

"Frigga is why you still live," Odin was saying, his voice harsh with anger as he walked away. "But this was the last time you will ever see her. Spend the rest of your wicked days in the dungeons, Loki Laufeyson."*

The memory of Loki looked stricken. The golden palace faded, leaving them back in the bleak landscape. Loki pressed his palms to his temples, squeezing his eyes shut tight.

Atum stared at the place where Odin had been. Did he think that saying such a thing to the boy he raised would help anything, or did he merely wish to distance himself from his mistakes? Words would be exchanged with Asgard's king, when this was over.

"Odin seems to have a problem-" Atum started.

A slight shiver blew across his neck. He turned and was seized by a huge shadow. Its grip was freezing cold. He attempted to bring his light to bear, but the shadow flung him across the greyscape. With a sudden jerk, his eyes flew open. He found himself lying on a bed in a darkened room, with Gaea leaning over him. Pure relief broke across her face.

"What happened?" Atum pushed himself up, but Gaea held him back. "Where is Loki?!"

"Shhh," Gaea murmured. You were communing with him when he suddenly went into some sort of seizure. You... seemed to just topple over. You've been unconscious for hours."

Atum angrily pushed her aside, being careful not to be too rough. "Never mind me, is Loki awake yet?"

"No. I believe that he has sunken even deeper into his own mind-"

Atum swung to his feet. He left the room, glancing around quickly to orient himself and then headed directly for Loki's room once more. Gaea followed him. Her brows were knit and her lips set tight.

"Atum, what is going on?" she demanded. "What happened? I felt pure terror from you at the same time Thor tells me you brought Loki back here. Now tell me!"

"It's...complicated."

"What could that boy have possibly have done to make you so afraid?"

They entered Loki's room. Atum gestured at the boy and then looked at his mother.

"Look at him."

"What?" Gaea's confusion shone from her bright blue eyes.

"_Look_ at him."

Gaea turned, and gazed upon Loki. Understanding smoothed her brow and she gasped softly. "Oh. I had no idea...you were involved with anyone, let alone..."

"I did not know he was my son until mere hours ago."

Gaea sighed and shook her head. "I take it he did not react well. Oh, my son, what a cruel humour this universe has."

Atum glowered at her. How could she think that this was in any way funny? "Humour is not the word I would use for this situation."

Gaea embraced him, and his anger trickled away into guilt. The situation was unexpected, but he had no reason to be angry with his mother.

"His mother?"

"A slave, killed by her master not long after Loki's birth."

Gaea pulled back and peered shrewdly at him. "You think he has some memory of her."

"I know not. He will barely even speak to me, unless it is a request to end his life in some way or another." Atum sank to a chair with a sigh.

"Have you asked him why?"

"Yes, but as I said, he is intent on wallowing in self-pity."

"Well," Gaea said softly, "at least we know for certain he is your son, then."

Atum narrowed his eyes. "What is _that_ supposed to mean?"

"Exactly what it sounds like."

Atum pushed himself up. She was right, he knew, but he did not want to hear it. He opened his mouth to speak, but found no words coming. Silently, he turned on his heel and stormed off. He needed to ponder on the shadow in Loki's mind, anyway, and formulate a defense against it. He would not abandon his son, but he needed to know what to do.

Gaea watched him go and shook her head sadly. Her children had broken her heart more times than she cared to think of. She wondered, often, if it was worth it. But she knew that they needed her. Atum needed her, even if he never would admit it. Her eldest son carried too much guilt and anger on his shoulders.

She looked down at her grandson and gently stroked his hair. She could see Atum in him. Not only did the boy look remarkably like a paler, thinner version of his father, but that guilt and anger weighed on him as well.

A noise made Gaea turn to see Frigga entering the room. Asgard's queen stopped, blinking in surprise.

"I did not expect to see you here," Frigga said.

"I came to speak with my son."

Frigga nodded as she walked forward. "I'm sure that Thor will be most eager to speak with you, after the events on Midgard."

"I was referring to Atum," Gaea corrected. "Thor and I have already said all we can say to each other."

"He will be glad to know you're here, regardless."

Gaea smiled her thanks at her son's other mother, and then looked down at Loki's sleeping form. "This must be very difficult for you."

"It is. No-one seems to know what ails him."

"Perhaps he does not want to become well again."

Frigga held her son's hand tightly. "He would, if he knew how much he was needed. But I fear... I have neglected him too long."

"You have loved him as strongly as any mother loves her son," Gaea replied comfortingly, but her words had no effect. It was strange, given there was little physical resemblance between the two, but Gaea felt like she could see herself in Frigga. A mother, wishing she could do more to help her son. "When was the last time you saw him?"

"Before he accompanied Thor to Earth to battle Chthon. I assume that's why Atum became involved, though why he would show concern for my Loki..." Frigga trailed off, blinking back tears.

Gaea understood. "You're afraid that Atum is waiting for him to wake just so he can execute him."

Frigga looked directly at the Elder Goddess. "Is that his intent?"

"No. I can assure you that will not happen, not now."

"Then why does Atum watch Loki so intently?"

Gaea hesitated. She could not tell Frigga the newly discovered knowledge. She had not even asked Atum if he and Loki wanted the knowledge that they were father and son published. "I can only tell you that he will allow no harm to come to Loki at this time."

"That only makes me believe that he bides his time," Frigga replied flatly.

"You should ask him why he waits then," Gaea replied softly. Her brow furrowed, but she nodded. "Entreat him as a mother fearing for her child's life, and I believe he will tell you."

"Atum has shown nothing but condescension for lesser gods, Jord," Frigga reminded her.

"In this case, he may be more apt to seeing you as equal, if not superior."

Frigga's brows furrowed. "What do you-"

"You'll understand, in time, Frigga. I'll stay with Loki for now, if that is all right with you."

Frigga bent over and kissed her son's forehead. She nodded once to Gaea, and then left. Gaea sat down and put her hand on Loki's.

"Much will have changed when you awake, grandson."

.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.- .-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.

The gardens were beautiful, bursting full of colour and songbirds. Nanna and Balder walked slowly together, hand in hand. Nanna had raised her skirts a few inches with her free hand and was kicking a stone down the cobbled path. Balder was frowning at the sky, deep in thought.

"So," Nanna said, tugging on Balder's hand to get his attention. "Loki is my uncle's son."

"Apparently," Balder shook his head. "I can safely say I didn't see this coming! What are the odds of having two half-elder-god brothers?"

"If you put them together, you'd have a full elder god," Nanna said absently. "Which is maybe why they were always so amazing when they fought together. Although, you know what?"

"What?"

"That means he's my cousin."

"Huh," Balder thought for a moment. "Er...why exactly is that relevant?"

"It means that he's Sigyn's cousin, too. And that means... well... I always thought that maybe the two of them... But I guess that's not possible anymore, huh? Although cousins do get married all the time," she added as an afterthought.

"Yeuch, Nanna! Not cousins that close together. Besides, Sigyn's only just lost poor Theoric. I doubt she is thinking of such things now."

Nanna shrugged and swung her blonde braid over her shoulder. "She never really loved Theoric."

"Then why did she marry him?"

"Oh, I suppose she loved him enough. But it was never the swooning, fainting, fall-into-my-arms soul mate deal!" Nanna dramatically pretended to swoon and fell into Balder's arms.

Balder laughed and kissed her. Then he set her back onto her feet. "Still, it can't ever work with Loki and Sigyn anymore, not now when he knows that he's Atum's son."

"What did you just say?"

Balder and Nanna both jumped. In their distraction, they hadn't noticed Frigga approaching them. Nanna paled, remembering Atum's face when they had been caught listening at the door. What would he do if he knew that they had been so careless with something he obviously wanted to keep a secret?

"Mother-" Balder started nervously.

"Atum is Loki's father?" Frigga questioned, her gaze locked on Balder. The young prince hesitated.

"That's what he and Thor were talking about," Nanna stepped in. "We heard them... but we weren't supposed to tell!"

Frigga closed her eyes briefly. "I see. This does explain a few things. And raises a few more questions."

"Mother-" Balder started again, running after her as she turned on her heel. "You won't... you won't be angry with him, will you? Thor told me he can be dangerous."

"I will act as I see fit. Do not worry for me, Balder," Frigga replied, kissing her son's forehead. "Perhaps you and Nanna can go see how Thor is handling this? I must go speak with your father."

Balder nodded, trusting his mother's words implicitly. He knew that she was wise, brave and kind. It wasn't like she was going to march up to Atum and slap him across the face or anything...

.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.- .-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.

Odin stood on his private balcony, looking over the raging waters that flowed off the edge of Asgard's boundaries. His shoulder stooped and his white head bowed. Eir had informed him of Loki's condition. He desperately wanted to go to his son's side, but how could he face Loki after the harshness of every word that had been passed between them?

Even when agreeing to allow Loki to return to Midgard to fight Chthon, he had not been able to bring himself to tell his son how much he regretted the words he spoke when Thor had brought him back. How the utter relief of seeing him alive had changed to such sorrow to seeing him so changed, and then to anger, so that he would not see how vulnerable the king was.

He sensed rather than heard Atum enter, and looked up wearily. The sun-god could not possibly blame Loki for the recent events on Midgard, could he? No, if he thought that Loki was once again to blame for Chthon's release, Loki would already be dead.

"What brings you here?"

Atum's green eyes narrowed and he merely gazed at Odin in silence. Odin had the uncomfortable feeling that he was dropping steadily in the Elder God's esteem.

"I have recently learned that you disowned Loki as your son."

Odin's forehead wrinkled. "How did you learn that, and how does it concern you?"

"Never mind, Borson, how I know, but know that it _does_ concern me."

Odin remained silent, trying to gauge Atum's mood... and why Loki would be of such concern to him. Wasn't it he that had terrorised and threatened Loki's life when he was but a child?

"You must have known that by sending him to earth to battle with Chthon would end in his death," Atum continued coldly.

Anger rose in Odin. "I did not know that for certain, and it was he who insisted on going."

"Perhaps because he wishes for death."

The words made Odin balk. He turned away and leaned heavily on the balcony.

"What do you think of that possibility?"

Odin knew better than to not reply, or to lie. "I fear that is the case. I know not how to change his mind."

Atum's next words were practically spat out. "_Not_ telling him that you would have him executed if not for his mother may be a start, Odin King of Asgard!"

Odin turned, paling. "How could you know..." he visibly pulled himself back together. "I spoke in anger. I regret those words, as I regret everything that was said in that confrontation. I had been under strain, and Loki deliberately provoked me." He paused. "I fail to see why any of this concerns you, though."

Atum contemplated the king. "He does certainly like to deliberately provoke..."

"Why aren't you answering my question?"

"Does a lesser god demand things of Atum?"

Odin looked the sun-god in the eye. "I do when it concerns my son."

Atum's expression went peculiarly blank. "It seems that once again Chthon marked him out for a purpose. There must be a reason for this, perhaps he, or something he knows, can be used against the demon-"

Both men turned as Frigga entered the room. Her eyes were blazing with anger, and she marched right up to Atum. Odin's lone eye widened as his wife raised her hand and gave the sun-god a solid slap across the face. Atum's brows raised in shock.

"How. Dare. You." Frigga's voice was practically a hiss.

Atum's expression darkened. Odin caught up Gungnir, stepping forward in case he had to defend his wife, but she did not back down from Atum's hostile glare. He had never seen her so furious.

"How dare I _what,_ exactly?"

"How _dare_ you terrorise and _attack_ your own son! Have you any idea how many nights he would lie awake crying, or scream out in his nightmares of what _you_ said to him when he was but a _child_?"

Odin's grip on Gungnir tightened. What was Frigga talking about?

Atum clenched his fists. "I dealt with him then as I would deal with any that co-operated with Chthon, but at that point, I had _no idea_ that he was my son!"

Loki. They were talking about Loki. Odin's head reeled. "_What_?"

Frigga narrowed her eyes, ignoring Odin. "And how did you _know_ his mother? I know of only _one_ reason why a mother would abandon her child!"

Atum's eyes went slowly black as he took in Frigga's unheard accusation. Odin started forward again, but Atum held out his hand and gave him a black glare. Odin's heart pounded. Demogorge was not one that he wanted to face. Force would get him nowhere. He set Gungnir down again.

"I met Farbauti many years ago, before the Aesir-Jotun war," Atum growled at Frigga. "We were close for some time, and I cared greatly for her, not that it is any of your concern. I knew nothing of Loki's kinship to me until today, and I would _never_ believe that Farbauti willingly gave him up."

Fear flashed through her eyes but she stood her ground. "Then you do not wait for him to wake just so you can end his life?"

The green seeped back into Atum's black eyes, but he turned away in annoyance. "The stupidity of you lesser gods...why would I kill my own son, when I brought him here to be healed? If I wanted him dead, I would not have sought aid!"

"A lesser god I may be but do not mistake my words for stupidity, son of Jord," Frigga replied, the relief evident in her voice. "I asked not as a goddess or queen, but as a mother who loves her child and would die before seeing harm come to him again."

Atum almost growled, but stopped when he turned to look at Frigga. Something passed between them that Odin did not understand.

"I will not allow any further harm to come to him," Atum assured her, and then glared pointedly at Odin. "From anyone's hands."

"I would not harm _my_ son!" Odin said hotly.

"He never was your son," Atum replied flatly.

Odin stared back in stony silence, but Frigga visibly flinched.

"Loki _is_ our son," she murmured.

"Your son, perhaps," Atum acquiesced, "but not _his_."

"I have no idea how you even know of this," Odin said quietly, holding Atum's gaze, "but my words to Loki upon his return to Asgard were spoken in anger. I regret them."

Atum replied with silence. It weighed on them all for a long time. Suddenly, a young healer came running into the room.

"My king, the prince-" he gasped for breath, and then froze when he saw Atum.

Atum gritted his teeth, his expression showing that he was sick of this reaction. "Well? What?"

The healer looked at him for a moment, and then back at Odin. "His... his heart stopped."

**_To be continued..._**

**AN: * This line of Odin's, and the scene surrounding it, take place in the Thor: The Dark World prequel comic, Issue 2.**


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter Four**

Atum shoved two healers aside as he raced into the healing rooms. Frigga and Odin were close behind him. Freyja was speaking with Idunn in the corner, but Atum gave her no mind, hurtling through the obstacles as he went for Loki's room. He burst in to find Eir wiping sweat from her forehead, her fingers against Loki's neck. Atum stopped, his breath constricting. Loki was pale and still.

Eir looked up as Frigga and Odin stopped behind the sun-god. Her face was weary.

"He lives."

Twin sighs of relief echoed in the room and Atum and Odin both released their pent-up breath. Frigga wiped a tear from her eye and joined Eir, squeezing Loki's hand.

"What happened? He was recovering! Why did his heart-" Her voice quavered and she pressed a hand to her mouth.

Eir shook her head. "I cannot say. He started to scream... I know not the language, but he called out Balder's name and went still. I checked on him, and his heart was not beating."

Atum stepped forward, his countenance darkening with impatience. "And now? How is his heart?"

"Beating, but erratic," the healer replied. "Something is happening in his mind. I can cure physical ailments, but I cannot cast out the demons of the soul."

Atum opened his mouth, but at that moment Thor and Balder rushed in. Both looked utterly terrified. Frigga immediately pulled both of them into her embrace and reassured them that their brother lived. Balder's eyes glimmered with tears. Thor took a hesitant step towards Loki's prone form.

Ignoring his half-brother, Atum went to Loki and placed his hand on his son's forehead again. There had to be a way to reach his mind! There had to be a way to save him- Farbauti's child deserved better than a death like this.

"What is he doing?" Balder shouted, panicked. He started forward, but Odin grabbed his arm and held him back.

"I believe he is trying to reach Loki within his mind. All will be well." Atum heard the king add softly "It has to be..."

And then he was in the bleak meadow. A storm raged overhead. Loki had fallen to his knees in the field, the enormous shadow towering overhead, as he held Balder's body. The red blood dripping from the boy's throat was the only colour in the world, it seemed.

"Loki?"

Loki looked up, tears streaming down his face. His eyes blazed with anger and hatred when he saw Atum. "GO AWAY!"

Atum approached cautiously, keeping his voice low, striving to keep it gentle. "You know this isn't real, don't you? Your own mind plays tricks on you. Balder is fine, waiting for you to awaken."

The shadow laughed.

"How could even _you_ be so cruel to say such a thing?" Loki whispered, holding the body of his dead brother closer.

"Because it is true. Balder, and Thor, and your adoptive parents are even now in the healing rooms, fraught with concern for you." Hesitantly, Atum reached out for Loki. "Come with me, and I will prove it."

A flicker of uncertainty passed across Loki's face. Before he could move, the shadow lunged. It twisted Loki away, lifting him forty feet into the air. Loki screamed, long and wordless. Atum readied himself to leap at the shadow, but stopped as he saw Balder's body above him slowly disintegrate, as though consumed by a thousand crows. And then Loki was falling. Atum dodged beneath him, casting out a net of magic to safely catch him.

The magic slowed his descent, but Loki still hit the ground. Atum reached for his arm, but he flinched away.

"It won't let me go," Loki whispered. "It will never let me go."

Atum crouched down and looked his new-found son in the eye. "It will if you believe you can defeat it. You are stronger than it, it is not even real!"

The shadow dove again, but this time Atum stood in its way. It may be an imaginary demon, but it still had physical form enough to fight! Atum drew his sword and plunged into the darkness. Instantly he felt as though he had descended into a cold, dank cave. He could no longer see Loki. A skiff of cold breath skittered across his neck.

Had he been wrong? Was this somehow Chthon once more, taking a new form, one that Atum could not recognise?

"Farbauti..."

Atum shivered as the guttural voice echoed in his ears. He closed his eyes and concentrated on the burning in his chest. He let the light flare.

When he opened his eyes, the shadow was gone. But the land had changed. Towering mountains of ice surrounded him, a blue sun shone dim in the sky, and Atum hear a familiar voice singing softly. Loki was at his feet, not moving. Atum pulled him to his feet. The boy looked disoriented.

"Where-?" he started "What is that sound?"

Suddenly they found themselves in a small, one-room hut that Atum knew intimately. A low, narrow bed was pressed against one wall, opposite to a fireplace. Between bed and mantle was strung a clothesline that held a single brown dress.

A woman sat on the bed, singing softly as she rocked an impossibly tiny bundle of blankets, smiling and crying and singing. She looked exactly as Atum remembered her. Her long black hair falling in curls and twists, her skin splotched dark with bruises, the patterned swirls on her arms and face softer, more delicate, than on most jotuns.

"Who is that?"

Atum hardly heard Loki's question. It took him a few minutes to reply. "Farbauti. Your mother."

"She... she is beautiful," Loki whispered, surprise and wonder in his voice.

"Did you think otherwise?"

"She's Jotun. I never thought that..."

"You never thought that what?"

"The stories that I always heard of Jotuns... They were brutes, uncouth, and unappealing..."

Atum growled in his throat. To raise a child and keep the truth of his heritage was one thing, but to tell him such lies about his own people? "Some are. Most are not. Odin has much to answer for."

Both fell silent as they watched Farbauti continue to sing to her child. Holding him in one arm, she wrote in a book, occasionally wiping a tear from her eye.

"She looks... _happy_ to have me."

"Why would she not be?"

"I was not found in my mother's arms. I was found in a temple."

Atum spoke softly. "The Farbauti I knew would never willingly give up her child. She could not wield sword and was powerless to change her circumstances, but her heart was so full of love... I do not believe that she abandoned you."

"Then what-?"

As though in answer to Loki's question, a shadow passed over Farbauti's window. A look of terror came to her face. Placing the baby down, she closed the book and went to the hearth. She loosened a brick with her fingers, shoved the book into the empty space, and replaced the brick. She ran back to her baby and snatched him up protectively as the door burst open. Laufey was dressed in full battle armour and his face twisted in rage as he rampaged in, followed by a giantess.

"It is as I told you, husband," the giantess sneered. "Your little half-breed whore has given birth."

Laufey's blood-red eyes focused on the babe in Farbauti's arms. "This creature?"

Farbauti backed away. "My lord, I... I..."

"SILENCE!" Laufey roared.

He punched her in the face. Farbauti cried out as she fell, trying to shield her child. The giantess snickered. Atum stepped forward, wreathing his hand in flame, but stopped. This happened long ago. There was nothing he could do.

"You thought to keep this runt a secret from me?!" Laufey shouted. "Undersized or not, he is my get, and my responsibility. I will not allow my offspring to be raised by a half-bred slave."

Laufey's wife strode forward and ripped the baby from Farbauti's arms. He began to scream. Farbauti cried out.

"My lord, please, no! Please!"

Laufey backhanded her. He kicked her twice and she collapsed, curling in on herself, trying to protect her face with her arms. He backed away once he thought she was good and broken.

He didn't see the knife her hand curled around.

"You will not take my son from me!" Farbauti screamed, lunging forward.

The knife pierced Laufey's shoulder. The giant grunted and grabbed Farbauti by the throat. He twisted her down, straddling her, pining her to the floor. He grinned wickedly as he wrapped his hands around Farbauti's throat.

"You think you can strike at your king and not pay the consequences, wench?" Laufey roared, saliva spraying from his mouth.

"No," Atum whispered.

Farbauti freed her hand and grabbed at the knife in his shoulder. Laufey's wife kicked Farbauti in the face and then stepped on her wrist.

Atum wanted to look away, wanted to be able to reverse time and save her. But he could do nothing as Loki's memory played out. He could do nothing but watch as Farbauti died.

Laufey got to his feet, yanking the knife from his shoulder, and dropped it to the floor. He spat on Farbauti's body, and then grabbed the baby from his wife. He held the infant around the waist like a sack of flour, heedless of his cries. His wife kicked Farbauti's body once more and then followed after him.

Atum slowly walked forward and knelt beside Farbauti. Her eyes were already growing dim, and her body cold. He reached out his hand- but could not touch her. She was already fading.

"I should never have left you."

Loki knelt on her other side, looking down at her with glistening tears. "She didn't abandon me."

And then they were out of the house, in the snow, and Laufey and his wife were walking towards them. The baby's blankets had all been cast aside save one, and his thin cries rose to the ears of the unforgiving king.

"Husband, will you have the runt raised in the palace to mock me and your other wives, we who have been unable to bear children? To mock your virility? Surely those who see such a runt will think you less a man-"

Laufey whirled on her, landing a blow across her mouth.

"You question my manhood?"

"You dare strike me?" she roared back, letting a punch fly to the wound on his shoulder. "I am not one of your whores, Laufey! I am first queen of Jotunheim and king or not, if you ever raise a hand to me again, it shall be the last time you have manhood to question!"

Laufey snarled at her.

"The whelp shows his mother's mixed heritage. Would you truly present such a scrawny creature as your firstborn son? At least the girl the fire demoness gave you has strength! But two heirs, both bred of lesser creatures?"

"A half-breed daughter and a runted son are more than you have given me."

Before they could continue their argument, a young scout came running up to them. He gave the squalling infant hardly a glance before bowing to Laufey.

"Your Majesty, the Bifrost just descended to Jotunheim. The king of Asgard has brought a host twice greater than our own."

Laufey's eyes burned with anger. "It wasn't enough for Odin to humiliate us on Midgard, now he attacks us here?! Woman, return to the palace, rally our forces swiftly."

The scout bowed and ran back the way he came.

"The slave girl had brought a curse on us by bearing such a small child," Laufey's wife sneered to him. "See to your battle, husband. Perhaps a sacrifice to father Ymir's name will stave off total destruction by your ill-started war."

She turned on her heel, leaving Laufey glaring at her retreating back. He looked down at the baby and snarled. His strides long, he walked up a large hill to a giant building at the top, carved of ice and stone, splendid in the blue sun. In the temple, he put the baby on an altar before a statue carved in the image of a giant Atum recognised as Laufey's father, Ymir. Behind it glimmered the casket of winters.

Laufey turned and a young girl came running into the temple. She had the blue skin and markings of the Jotuns, but she had flames sprouting from her head like hair. It floated around her as she ran up to Laufey.

"Father! I saw the host of Asgard-"

"Angrboda! Return to the women where you belong and do not pester me."

The girl's brow furrowed. "But I saw- Odin's army marches in a straight line. You will be overwhelmed, but if you take the warriors around behind the fork in the river that leads to the white mountains and strike his back-"

Laufey let his hand fly. He hit her in the chest, so hard that she flew back several feet. The girl tumbled to the ground and gasped for breath.

"Only a coward strikes the unarmoured back of his foes. And I fear no man!"

"At least take the casket, father!" the girl cried, still gasping.

"I do not take advice from little girls who think themselves warriors!"

The jotun king stalked away, leaving the crying infant and the girl hunched over. Angrboda regained herself after a moment and got to her feet, walking over to where the baby lay on the altar. She stared down at him for a moment. The sounds of battle clashing roused her from whatever thoughts were in her head.

"I hope you die," she hissed towards the fray, and then pulled the blanket up over the baby. "Someday, I'm going to kill him."

The girl leaned over the baby and kissed his forehead. She sat down, listening to the battle. The baby still screamed.

"I'm glad I killed him," the adult Loki whispered, as he and Atum stared at the scene.

Atum nodded. "He had best be glad that you did as well... before I got hold of him."

There was a slight ripple in the scene around them, and the battle cries were suddenly cut short. The baby had stopped crying. Angrboda had moved to the entrance to the temple, and was staring out with wide eyes. Suddenly she dashed back inside, diving behind the altar. Moments later, Frey appeared at the top of the steps. His armour was bloody and scratched, and he walked with a limp. Close after him came Odin, walking wearily, an empty eye socket streaming blood down his face.

"Get the casket," Odin ordered, and Frey nodded once.

Angrboda reached out from behind the altar and pinched the baby's leg hard. He gave a cry of pain and then started to wail. Frey and Odin's heads both turned at the sound, and Odin walked over to the altar. He set down his spear and picked up the infant.

The older Loki turned away. Atum glanced at him before returning his attention to the scene. The baby in Odin's hands had stopped crying, and at Odin's touch his skin was changing. Frey had taken the casket of winters off its pedestal.

Odin's head turned slightly. He shifted the infant to one arm and lifted Gungnir. With a terrible grimace, he prodded the spear point into the shadows behind the altar. There was a stifled cry and Odin withdrew a step, surprised. Frey dropped the casket back on its pedestal and drew his sword, running forward. Angrboda darted out from behind the altar, delivering a swift kick to Odin's leg (the king probably hadn't felt a thing, Atum mused) and racing for the door.

Frey dropped his sword and caught her, pining her arms as she scratched at his face. She twisted wildly, snarling like a feral kitten. Odin stamped his spear on the ground. The temple walls shook and Angrboda stopped fighting. Her eyes widened as she looked up, and then she glared at Odin, her chin raised defiantly, although her lips quivered.

"Who are you?" the Aesir demanded.

"I am Angrboda, firstborn daughter of Laufey King of Jotunheim," the girl replied. "I demand that you release me at once!"

"Your father has lost his war, little one," Frey told her. "Your demands are useless."

"What is this baby doing here in the cold, Angrboda, firstborn daughter of Laufey?" Odin questioned, stepping forward, his single eye piercing her gaze.

The girl faltered only a little. "He is the firstborn son of Laufey, king of Jotunheim, and Farbauti his slave."

Odin brushed the girl's fiery hair with the tip of his spear. "You look half-fire-demon, girl. Who is your mother?"

Angrboda attempted to free herself, but Frey held her fast. "I have no need of any mother!"

"Apparently this baby does not either, seeing as he was left here to die."

Angrboda was silent.

Odin stepped forward. "I have never met a fire demon, Angrboda of Jotunhiem, that I have let live."

The girl's eyes widened in fear. She threw back her head, colliding with Frey's armoured chest. He released her. The girl stumbled for a second and then ran, her fire-locks flying out behind her, her feet skimming the snow.

"You did not have to frighten her, my lord," Frey said in a disapproving tone.

"Her father killed my brother, it is fortunate for her that I did not leave her an orphan," Odin replied coldly, and then looked at the baby in his arms. Whether it was by exhaustion, or because he was warm in Odin's arms when before he was so cold, the infant had fallen asleep. "You will tell no-one what you have seen here. Firstborn son of Laufey. He will be useful, in the future..."

"And so that's the truth," Loki murmured. Atum started and turned. He hadn't heard Loki rejoin him. "Nothing more than a stolen relic from the beginning."

"Odin would have taken you even if he hadn't known that Laufey claimed you as his son," Atum replied, frowning. "But men like him must justify their compassion or think themselves weak."

"Men like him?" Loki murmured, and then turned. "Or men like you?"

Atum was silent for a moment. "Men who wield the sword and take lives."

Loki turned back and watched Odin's retreating back. "Men like us, you mean, then."

Atum had no response to that. They stood in silence, watching the remainder of the memory play out. Odin carried the infant Loki out of the temple, followed by Frey, who still carried the Casket. Neither of the spectators could think of anything to say.

**To be continued...**


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter Five**

Atum wanted to reach out to Loki as the scene of Odin's victory faded, but couldn't make himself move. What good were gestures and words? They had never helped him. He turned to look at his son, and Loki hastily turned away. By the slump of his shoulders and the bowing of his head, Atum guessed that the boy was crying.

"Loki?"

Before either one could speak further, there was s stirring in the air around them. Both turned and saw the shadow rise up again, huge and menacing. Atum stalked forward.

"What are you?" he demanded.

There was an answering rumble. It could have been laughter, but it wasn't clear. Loki stepped up beside Atum, his pale face determined. As if in reply to Loki's defiance, the shadow shifted. It expanded until it was as wide as the sky. Within its depths appeared an image; Balder and Loki fighting. Loki's expression was malicious and cold. Balder had tears streaming down his face. Loki struck down his weapon and slammed his fist into Balder's face. Balder fell to his knees. Loki put his blade to the younger god's face.

"Brother, please..." Balder whispered.

Loki smiled and grabbed Balder's hair. He forced his head down- much like Atum had done to him hundreds of years ago- and laid his blade across Balder's neck.

"No." Beside Atum, Loki backed away, his face horrified and tortured as he watched himself lift his sword and bring it down. "No, no, no..." Balder's head rolled to his feet. "NO!"

Thor appeared in the shadow's projection, shouting in rage, but Loki stabbed him through the heart. And then Odin, Frigga, Sigyn...

"It's not real, Loki!" Atum turned and grabbed Loki, forcing him to look directly into his eyes. "It's not-"

The bodies scattered around disappeared in puffs of smoke, and the shadow launched forward, latching onto Atum. It wrapped around him tightly, binding his arms to his sides. Something like a hand wrapped around his throat, choking him. And then another memory appeared. Atum's heart sank even as he struggled against the binding of the shadow.

A fourteen-year-old Loki was standing in the library in Asgard's palace, Balder as an infant in his arms, looking up with a tortured expression at Atum, who looked down at him with undisguised contempt.

"Am I evil?" the child asked, his voice soft, on the verge of breaking.

Atum raised his eyebrows.

"You said that my death would prevent great evil in the future," Loki continued, oblivious to the squirming of his brother. "Does that mean that I'm evil?"

Atum's expression was hard. "Why ask a question when you know the answer?"

"Because I _don't_ know the answer," Loki shot back, a flicker of defiance pushing aside the fear in his eyes.

"If I told you some day you would cause the death of the infant in your arms, would you believe me?"

Loki's face blanched. "No."

"That's that, then."

_Some day you will cause the death of the infant in your arms. Some day you will kill him. Some day, Balder will meet his death by your hand._ The chilling words echoed from within the formless shadow. Loki backed away, shaking his head.

The memory faded, and the shadow increased its grip on Atum. He fought to be free, but it was useless! Panic threatened him. Never, _never_, would he ever be bested in combat, whether the spectre was real or not!

Loki fell to his knees. "_GO AWAY_!" he screamed, pressing his hands to his head. "_GO AWAY, LEAVE ME ALONE!"_

Atum's eyes snapped open. He toppled over, landing hard on the floor of the healing rooms. Sweat coated his brow. He looked around wildly. Gaea fell to her knees beside him.

"What happened?"

Atum brushed away her concerned question. He lurched back to Loki's side. "I have to help him!"

He put his hand on Loki's forehead again. The mists and fogs were thicker as he pushed his way in. The bleak, grey landscape was gone, replaced by a wide, black space. There was nothing but the darkness. Atum flared up, the light spreading out. It fell on Loki as he stood staring up at the great black shadow, a dead expression on his face. Atum leaped forward, grappling for his khopesh, but Loki closed his eyes and walked into the heart of the shadow.

Instantly, screams surrounded Atum. Loud, painful, terrified. Atum stumbled, covering his ears. When he looked again, the shadow had been replaced by a Jotun, taller and broader than any frost giant that he had seen. Ice began spreading from it. Atum released sunlight from his core, keeping the frost at bay.

"Loki?" Atum shouted.

The Jotun laughed. "He's gone. I am all that's left."

Atum summoned a fireball in his hand and hurled it at the Jotun. The fire burned right through it. A scream pierced the blackness. It was Loki's voice. Atum flinched. The Jotun laughed again. And that's when Atum realised that it wasn't just some giant spectral frost giant.

It was Loki.

He took a deep breath, steeling himself. Time was running out. Closing his eyes, he dived into the Jotun. Freezing cold coated his exposed arms and chest. There was no sensation of moving through anything. When Atum opened his eyes, he found himself in a crowd of Asgardians. Every single one was pointing, laughing, and shouting insults and slurs.

He pushed through the crowd to find at the center of the group was Loki. He was crouching with his hands over his head. Rotten vegetables were pelting him. The juices froze on contact, and Atum saw that his skin was blue. Thor stepped forward and kicked Loki hard in the face, knocking him over to Odin, who struck him hard across the back with Gungir.

Atum thrust aside the few remaining Asgardians in his way and hauled Loki to his feet. "Listen to me! None of this is real, do you understand?'

Loki's blood-red eyes wouldn't focus. "It is real."

"_No_, it is _not_! Your own fears and guilt created this scene, and only you can dispel it." Atum's voice shook as he spoke, sounding pained. His own experiences welled up in his mind.

Loki's gaze snapped to his face. "Exactly. It's _real_ to me. Fear is real."

Atum shook his head emphatically and grabbed Loki's face as he turned away, forcing the boy to look at him. "Fear only exists in our minds!"

"Fear only exists in our minds... We're in _my_ mind. This fear is real."

"In here, perhaps, but you can defeat it- it is your creation. For now, all you need to do is awaken."

Loki's eyes searched Atum's gaze, and then almost pleadingly asked. "Why do you care?"

"Because you are my son."

"So you are because you are duty bound as a father to care for his son?" The question was asked without malice.

Atum was uncertain. "I... would attempt to pull you from this regardless. For Thor's sake."

"No, you wouldn't."

How could Atum correct him when he didn't believe it himself? He opened his mouth, but nothing came out. Loki pulled away. From the jeering crowd, Balder stepped forward. He held a sword in his hand.

"Loki."

Loki let out a long sigh and turned to face him. "Balder."

Balder's brow furrowed and he dropped the sword. "You're _blue_."

Atum fought a curse. "How did you get in here?"

"I..." Balder stuttered. "I wanted to help."

Loki looked between them, and then stepped towards Balder. "Brother?"

Balder threw his arms around Loki. "I'm here to rescue you!"

Atum was not interested in yet another foolish child putting themselves in danger. "How did you get here?"

"I- Loki was... He turned blue and starting screaming, so I... Came."

Atum narrowed his eyes. "How?"

"I just... I don't really know, I grabbed your arm, and then... I was here."

Atum gritted his teeth. "Is stupidity a trait that Odin raises in his sons? You could permanently damage yourself!"

"Worth it!" Balder shot back.

"No," Loki muttered, and when Balder and Atum turned to look at him he began backing away. "I do not deserve your help. Neither of you should risk yourselves for me..."

Atum grabbed Balder's arm. "You need to leave-"

"Not without my brother!"

Loki turned on his heel and ran away from them. The mocking crowds disappeared. Balder raced after Loki. Atum glanced around. Everything was noticeably darker and colder. There was not much time left, Loki's mind was shutting down! He cursed and followed. He soon found Balder, who was running aimlessly in the gathering shadows, shouting for Loki.

Atum caught his arm. "You need to leave, boy. His mind is failing."

Balder stubbornly shook his head. "I told you, I am not leaving without Loki!"

"Do you understand what I am saying? He is dying! I can withstand it, but if you stay, you'll die with him."

"Then I'll die. Maybe that's what you foresaw years ago, when I was an infant?"

Atum was taken aback. "How did you-"

"Loki told me."

Atum hesitated. It was true that his foresight was vague at the best of times. Could this be what he had seen, that Balder's death would be caused by Loki's own? "Perhaps... But I will not stand by and watch this happen."

With that, he seized Balder's other arm. Closing his eyes, he forced Balder from Loki's mind. Balder vanished with a muffled protest. Atum opened his eyes again, and let his form glow softly. He walked still further into his newly-discovered son's mind, praying he wasn't too late. But to whom did a god pray? And to whom could he turn to when his own powers failed?

He found Loki standing on the shattered remains of the rainbow bridge, staring down into the dark abyss. He approached slowly. Loki was far too close to the edge.

"What are you doing?"

Loki spoke as though he was in a trance. "This is where it all went wrong. I fell, and I was found. I found my true self. A monster, a weakling, deserving of nothing...not even death. even though that is all I wanted, just for it to end." His voice lifted hopefully. "Maybe it will work this time?"

Dread seized Atum. "No. All you will do is increase the grief of those who love you."

Loki laughed bitterly. "No-one loves me!"

"Yes, they do, Loki," Atum whispered. "Thor, Balder, Frigga, Odin... they are your family and they love you. Please."

"They'd be better off without me."

"Do you truly believe that?"

" You're a figment of my mind, you tell me!"

Atum's heart sank. "If you do not know your own mind-"

Balder suddenly appeared beside him. Atum cursed.

"I told you-"

"And _I_ told _you_! I'm _not_ leaving!"

Loki hung his head in guilt upon seeing Balder. An image of the boy lying dead shimmered to life briefly. Balder kicked at it, and it flickered away.

"Can't let that happen. I have to end it all now..." Loki crept closer to the edge of the bridge.

Balder jumped to the edge of the bridge as well, and shouted at Loki. "You jump, so do I!"

Loki paled. "No! I have to do this, to save you!"

Atum was silent, hoping against hope that Balder would say what he could not.

"Don't you dare put this one me, brother! When we thought you were dead before, it nearly killed us! Mother and Father hardly spoke to each other, Thor didn't eat for weeks - and you know how much he likes his food! And I'm not ashamed to admit that I cried every night. If it wasn't for Nanna, I don't know if... if I could have taken it." Balder's eyes gleamed with tears. "Everybody has always said that I get too attached to things. Well, if I get too attached to things, it's because I _feel_. We can't lose you again, Loki. We can't."

"But... I'm evil. You shouldn't care about me...none of you should."

"If you were evil, you wouldn't care about us. And you do."

Loki's brow smoothed and he lifted his chin. "And if I said I did not?"

Atum stepped forward. "You would be lying. We all know that. Pretending not to care for family hurts you more than anyone else. Believe me, I know."

Loki looked down at the dark abyss. The colours on the bridge were getting brighter.

"Brother, please," Balder begged. "We need you."

"How can I go back? I'm not who I used to be."

"Such is life," Atum told him. "One never ends the way they started."

"Then what will I become? What am I now?"

"Only you can decide that."

"But I don't want to be at all..."

The colours of the bridge muted again, and darkness fell over them. Balder shivered, and then fell to his knees. Clutching at his heart, he screamed out in pain. Atum's shoulders slumped. It was ending.

Loki fell beside Balder. "What's happening?"

Balder screamed again.

Atum looked at the scene, watching as both brothers slowly edged closer to death. "Your mind is shutting down- Because you refuse to wake. Clearly he is feeling the effects."

Loki looked up, his face white. "But I didn't want this!"

"Awakening is the only way to save him now."

"Loki, please-" Balder screamed again, louder this time.

"How?" Loki shouted. "Tell me how!"

Atum dropped to his knees and grasped Loki's arms tightly. "Just concentrate. Thor, Odin and Frigga await you outside. Try!"

Balder screamed again. Loki closed his eyes tightly, holding his brother close. A tear leaked down his face. He concentrated. White light blinded Atum...

_**To be continued...**_


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter Six**

Loki's eyes opened slowly. His body felt so much lighter than he expected, but something was heavy on his head. The thing moved and Loki saw that it had been Atum's hand resting on his forehead. The golden sun-god sat back, looking weary but victorious. Their eyes met for a moment, but Loki quickly pushed himself to his elbows. Balder was slumped on the floor. Frigga and Thor were bent over him, while Odin stood nearby, looking worried and worn out.

"Balder?" Loki rasped.

Balder groaned. "Hungry."

Thor looked up, relief breaking across his face. "Loki, you're awake!"

Frigga left Balder to Thor's care and rushed over to embrace Loki. He leaned against her for a moment, and then his gaze focused on Balder. The young god looked tired, but not overly so, and he flashed a cheeky grin at his brother. Loki frowned.

"I thought you were dying."

Balder somewhat shakily got to his feet, Thor hovering beside him like a nervous mother hen.

"You're not the only one with mischief up his sleeve, brother. It was the only way to get you back," Balder explained.

Loki raised his eyebrow at Balder, and then, convinced that he was all right, laughed in relief.

Atum shook his head, but his eyes were narrowed suspiciously. "Your acting skills are impressive. I certainly believed you were in peril." He didn't sound convinced that Balder was out of peril, and Loki felt his relief ebb away.

"Will one of you kindly explain what you are speaking of?" Odin demanded.

Balder sat beside Loki. "In a moment, please, Father. I'm starving. I could eat as much as Volstagg right now."

Atum stood, his weariness pushed aside. "I shall leave you all to reunite. Do you know where Gaea is?"

"She was with Frey," Thor replied.

Atum nodded and turned to Loki. He looked hesitant. "If you do not mind...perhaps we could speak again...later?"

Loki nodded guardedly. Atum nodded once more and then left. Loki pushed himself up to sitting, and stretched his cramped bones. He glanced over his adoptive family and felt a surge of love for them wash over him. And for the first time in a long time, he didn't fight it.

"How long have I been unconscious?"

"Nigh a week now," Thor said thickly.

"A week?" Loki repeated, startled. "It felt like only a few hours."

Frigga put her arm around him. "What happened, Loki? Jord said you were trapped in your own mind. Where did you go?"

Loki answered hollowly. "To hell."

There was a long moment of stunned silence. Frigga and Thor both glanced at Odin, but Odin didn't move. Balder scuffed at the floor with his toes.

"I really am hungry," he murmured.

Loki managed a smile. "So am I. But then, it's been a week."

Frigga stood, looking relieved to finally be able to help. "I will send something from the kitchens. Loki, please rest. I don't want you trying to move yet."

"Mother, I've been asleep for a week."

"There is a difference between sleeping and being unconscious. You were the latter, not the former." She kissed his cheek and then walked away, subtly wiping her eyes.

The mood of the room changed noticeably. Without Frigga, the tension thickened. Neither Thor nor Odin moved, and Loki determinedly didn't look at them. Balder glanced at his brothers and father, his heart sinking as he realised that it was going to take more than waking Loki up to fix the problems in his family.

"Somebody say something," he pleaded.

But nobody did.

.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.- .-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.

Atum let his neck muscles relax as he headed towards Frey's house. Loki was awake. Farbauti's son was not going to die, not today. He expected to feel more triumph, but his mind kept drifting to the memories he had seen in Loki's mind. Farbauti's death would forever haunt him. If it was possible to go back in time- But even the Elder Gods had no power over Death. She was the cruel mistress of them all.

"Atum?"

Atum turned to see Freyja approaching him. Her blue eyes were guarded.

"Freyja."

"How does Loki fare?"

"He has awakened... His brother was most persistent, despite the danger to himself." His lips twitched. Balder was foolish, no doubt, but bold.

Freyja smiled briefly. "Thor can be ridiculously stubborn when it comes to Loki."

"Balder, not Thor."

"Balder?" Freyja's brows arched. "He actually did something dangerous? He usually tends to err on the side of caution. Although given the other two, Frigga must be relieved to have one son that doesn't rush headlong into battle."

Atum shrugged. "Balder seems quite close to your youngest."

"Do not remind me! They are both too young to become involved. But Nanna has her mind made up that she is in love, and when something gets into that girl's head, she's convinced that she is the only one in the nine realms who has any sort of intelligence."

It was so reminiscent of Atum's thoughts of Freyja when she was at the same age that he had to smile.

Freyja frowned suspiciously. "What?"

The smile disappeared. "Nothing. My thoughts went elsewhere."

"Of course," Freyja scoffed bitterly. "As if _you_ would tell _me_ anything, anyway."

Atum stifled a sigh. He did not need another fight with Freyja. "Do you know where Gaea is?"

"No."

"Fine. I shall find her myself, then."

"I don't know where she is," Freyja responded angrily, following after him.

"I did not say otherwise."

"You still thought I was lying."

"I did not say that."

Freyja followed silently for a moment. "When did you find out about Loki?"

Atum did not turn to reply. "Why is that any of your concern?"

"My own nephew is none of my concern?"

"Nothing involving me has concerned you for years!"

"I haven't _seen_ you in years. Not since Hnossa's funeral."

Atum stopped abruptly and turned on his younger sister. She flinched slightly, but otherwise stood her ground. "I did not-"

"I saw you. Don't think that you can lie to me about the evidence of my own eyes." Freyja's hard eyes softened. "Atum-"

But he couldn't stay and look in her eyes any longer. He turned on his heel and broke into a run, leaving her far behind. He had been certain that no-one had seen him at his niece's funeral. He had only met the girl a few times before she withered, but every breath he took reminded him of why his heart was beating and hers was not.

He made his way to the observatory, where Heimdall stood watch.

"Gatekeeper," Atum greeted. "Where is Gaea?"

"She is waiting for you at the lake."

"Thank you."

Atum headed for the lake. As he walked, he passed Frey. They exchanged a nod, and Atum wondered what Gaea had told his younger siblings. He shook the question off as he walked along the beach. He soon heard Gaea singing, and found her quickly sitting on a wide, flat rock..

"Atum," Gaea greeted without turning.

Atum sat beside her. "Gaea."

"Are you ever going to call me 'Mother' again, my son?"

Atum didn't answer the question. He never did. "I find myself in a situation where I have no idea what to do."

Gaea sighed. "Tell me."

Atum opened his mouth, but closed it again. He wasn't sure how to begin. Gaea waited patiently.

"I nearly killed my own son."

"Tell me what happened."

"You know what happened when he was a child. He was the first one to be involved in the demon's plans that I ever spared. And he was but a child then."

"At that point, none of us even suspected you were kin to him. Why is that preying on your mind now?"

"If I had followed instinct, I would have killed him. And I never would have learned... Or worse, I would have, too late. Farbauti's child..."

"You truly cared for her, then?"

Atum hung his head. "Yes. More than I realised, at the time. She was there when I needed... But when she needed me, I was not there."

"Perhaps you should share some of your memories with Loki? It might be good for him, to learn what his mother was like. I see great suffering in him, and a great hatred of his heritage."

Atum was silent for a moment. "I saw her die. In his mind, his memories. Laufey killed her, because she would not let him take her child from her. I should never have left her on that planet. I could have taken her so many places, but I left her _there_. She was too good for the treatment she got, the fate she ended with."

Gaea put her hand on his shoulder, trying to comfort him silently.

"Loki asked me if Chthon knew about him. I told him no, but I cannot be certain."

Gaea frowned, shivering at the mention of her brother. "You and Loki were both present during Chthon's recent attempt to claim Earth. Did He say anything that hinted one way or the other?"

"No. But the fact is, he chose Loki all those years ago to summon him to Asgard. He did not kill him, when he went to the Flickering Realm. He had no reason to spare him."

"He was barely there for an instant before you joined him. Chthon would have no time to strike at him, surely?"

"The N'Garai had already gathered around him, though. They were taking him somewhere."

"They had?" Gaea frowned. "That is very troubling."

"And then again now, he used Loki to break through the dimensions for his attempt on earth."

"Yes. But at any rate, Loki is safe now. If it does occur that Chthon tries to attack him again, we can ensure his safety."

Atum laughed bitterly. "Would he accept my help, though? He has stopped trying to get me to kill him, at least for now, but... The only true interaction we've had in the past was when I threatened his life. And I am not so good at building relationships, and even worse at fixing them."

"From what I have heard, that is a trait you and he share," Gaea squeezed his shoulder. "My advice would be just to try. Inaction never solved problems."

"I have duties," Atum muttered evasively.

Gaea rolled her eyes. "Duties that can wait!"

"He has problems that he must sort out with his adoptive family."

"You have an excuse for everything." Gaea contemplated him. "It might be beneficial to him to hear that even you had problems coping in the past. With your father."

Atum tensed. He stood and paced away. "How much can I trust him with such things? He is very much like me. I would not trust my secrets with Atum, if I were anybody else. He would use them against me at any turn."

"Trust breeds trust. If you speak with honesty, he may follow your example."

"Perhaps."

.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.- .-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.

Sigyn sat beside her mother in the fragrant gardens outside Freyja's home. She could hardly believe what she had just heard. She dug her fingers into her blonde hair. Loki was Atum's son?

"He's my cousin, then."

Freyja nodded. "Yes. I know this may be a shock to you, after all, I know you once harboured affection for him."

Sigyn rolled her eyes and shook her head. "I did not "once harbour" feelings for him... I still do."

"Well, it does not matter," Freyja said, matter-of-factly. "Nothing can come of it now."

Sigyn stood, agitate. "'Mother, for once can you at least _try_ to act sympathetic? I was just attacked by Chthon - _again_ - and you're having a go at Loki? You've never even once told me why you don't like him so much! Is it because he looks like Atum?"

"No. I disliked him as soon as you professed to love him. Love is foolish, daughter. It causes only pain."

"You disliked him far before I realised that my feelings were love." Sigyn shook her head. "And you never once gave me a true reason as to why."

Freyja sighed.

"And who are you to talk so harshly about love? You have only loved yourself- with one exception. You loved Ve."

"Yes, I did," Freyja said bluntly. "And where is he now?"

Sigyn started to regret bringing up the painful memory, but she was in too deep now. "If you could go back, would you prevent yourself from loving him, even though you only had him for a few years? Would you deny _him_ loving you, to never have known that before he died?"

Freyja laughed, but her eyes swam with tears. "I do not know. Sigyn, please. Ve wasn't the only one that I loved. I love you, as I love all my children."

"I know, Mother," Sigyn sat down again and clung to her mother's hand. "Loki needs someone to love him. Family is one thing, but he could easily construe their love as duty. He needs someone who doesn't have to love him." Sigyn fell silent for a moment. "Perhaps we all do."

"You had Theoric."

Sigyn nodded. "I had Theoric. And I did come to love him, eventually. But ours was not a love that could have stood the test of time. We both went in knowing that the least winds would shake us. We were compatible, and I miss him every day, but we both knew that we wanted more from life than what the other could give us."

Freyja couldn't bite her tongue. "And you thought you would find it with _Loki_? Of all the ridiculous..." She shook her head. "It matters not, as I said. You cannot pursue your own cousin!"

Sigyn shook her head. "Why do I even try to talk to you?"

"Sigyn-"

"I'm going home, Mother, to my cold, empty house. And perhaps, just perhaps, you should start trying to let Nanna decide who she will and will not love before you lose her, too."

She turned and left then, leaving her mother behind.

.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.- .-.-.-.

Loki wished he knew what to say, but excused his silence by stuffing his mouth full of the food that Frigga had brought. It was a rare thing when he had no idea of what could be said, but this was one of them. Everybody was silent, Odin, Thor, Frigga, Balder. The sudden movement of Odin towards the door startled them all.

"I have matters to attend to," he called over his shoulder, swiftly striding from the room.

Frigga sighed, putting her arm around Loki and pressing a kiss to his forehead. "I had best talk with him. Take care."

"Mother, I am not a child."

"You'll always be my child, Loki."

Loki bent over his food as Frigga left to hide the tears in his eyes. After she was gone, Thor cleared his throat.

"How do you feel now, Loki? And you, Balder. Are you both all right?"

"I am fine," Balder assured him. "This food tastes strange, though. Does yours taste strange, Loki?"

Loki nodded, and rested his head in his hand. "I am actually very tired."

Thor put a hand on his shoulder. Loki fought the instant urge he had to shrug it off.

"Sleep, then. You too Balder, if you feel the need. I will watch over you both."

Loki knew he would. He managed a smile, though he wasn't certain how sincere it was. It would take work to heal his relationship with Thor, but after everything that had happened... It would be worth it. He lay back down.

"I'm not tired," he heard Balder say as he swiftly drifted to sleep. "I... think I will go look into something, to keep myself busy."

.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.- .-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.

Atum returned to the healing rooms to find Loki fast asleep and Thor watching over him. The thunderer nodded in a silent greeting, and Atum sat without response. Loki's chest was rising and falling evenly. Unlike before, he looked at peace and healing.

"How long has he been sleeping?"

"A few minutes. I..." Thor hesitated a long moment, and continued awkwardly. "How are you, after finding out?"

Atum responded instantly. "None of your-" he cut himself and considered the situation. Did he really want to keep alienating himself from his family members? Perhaps he should try to improve his relationship with Thor as well, considering that he and Loki had been raised as brothers. "Thank you for your concern, but I wish to keep my thoughts private at this time."

"As you wish, I merely thought... This is a surprise to us all."

"I understand, but please be silent."

"I just-"

Loki rolled over and sat up, rubbing at his eyes. "If you have any wish for me to rest, it may be wise to be silent." He contemplated Atum for a moment before turning to Thor. "Would you please give us a moment?"

Thor nodded. "Of course."

He left the room. Atum waited for Loki to speak.

"What I saw, while I was trapped in my mind, what you said... was it all real?"

"Yes."

"I see."

Silence.

Loki sighed. "What now?"

"Assuming that you are no longer going to try to goad me into killing you..." Loki grimaced, and Atum spread his hands. "I honestly have no idea." He paused, his tongue feeling thick and heavy. He struggled to get the words out. "If you are interested, I could tell you of Farbauti... "

He didn't know what he'd do if Loki responded with more insults towards her.

Loki picked at his thumb for a moment. "How did you meet her?"

"I was investigating rumours of a plot of Chthon's, spreading across Midgard, Asgard and Jotunheim. I met her when I had to correct Laufey for...misconduct."

"What sort of misconduct?"

Atum gritted his teeth, remembering. "He was drunk, and had attempted to molest Freyja. The only reason I didn't kill him for that was that Chthon was involved in a plot to murder him, and I wasn't going to play into his hands. I encouraged him to apologise to my sister, and he... offered my Farbauti as recompense."

Loki's hands went still. "I see."

"That is not the full story, Loki," Atum rebuked sharply. "That was how Farbauti and I met, not how you were conceived. I... She was the one who decided when our relationship became... physical."

Loki looked up, brow furrowed. "I can't tell when you lie."

"That would be because you have never heard me lie."

"And what happened after?"

"I returned to Jotunheim several times in the intervening years. Farbauti was...a great comfort to me, in very trying times."

"What was she like?"

Atum allowed a fond smile come to his face as he remembered the woman that still belonged in his heart. "Gentle, kind, compassionate...she never asked anything of me, never complained." His face darkened. "Even when she had much to complain about... Laufey did not make her life easy. I should have killed him."

Loki waited in silence for Atum to continue.

"Our relationship continued for some time, but eventually I decided it was best for us to part- my life was too dangerous for her, I did not want Chthon to use her to get to me. The last time I saw her was just after Thor's birth. She knew that I was leaving for the last time..." He felt more vulnerable than he had for a long time, but it also felt like a weight lifting from his shoulders. "Leaving her was a mistake."*

"So... you loved her?"

It took a moment for Atum to admit it. "Yes. And had I known of you, I would have returned."

"It doesn't change what happened, though."

"No," Atum agreed sadly. "It doesn't."

Loki continued to pick at his thumb, and then looked up. "Chthon is your father."

Atum opened his mouth to sharply forbid him from ever saying that, but Loki continued before he could.

"That means he's my grandfather."

There was silence between them, but in that silence, Atum felt a sense of understanding as well. It was something that, one day, they would talk about. But not today. After they both had time to become used to their new relationship, after they _created_ a new relationship.

The moment was broken as Odin strode into the room. Thor was right behind him. It appeared as though he was trying to stop his father, without success.

"If you two wouldn't mind," Atum snapped, "we were in the middle of a _private_ conversation!"

"I wanted to speak with Loki, and I will not be told what I can and cannot do in my own realm," Odin replied sharply. Age and power had gone to his head. He wasn't as wise in his dealing with the Elder Gods as he once had been.

Atum stood, letting his power slip through, just a little. "And perhaps you should learn patience."

Loki tried to push himself to his feet, but had to sit back down. "If I promise to speak with you later, Father-" he glanced guiltily at Atum and looked back at Odin. "May we finish our talk first?"

Odin looked startled. He gazed at Loki with cautious hope.

"Father, please," Thor added.

Odin sighed and began to walk away, Thor following. He stopped at the door. "I _will_ return shortly."

After he was gone, Loki sighed and put his head in his hands.

"I have no idea what I should do now. With Odin..."

"I have never had much patience for my father, I do not think I am the right person to give advice."

Loki smiled weakly. "I... I believe that we are very much alike after all. Perhaps..." he hesitated a moment. "Perhaps we can... visit once in a while?"

"Perhaps..." Atum took a deep breath. "I will watch over you also, even when you are unaware of my presence. You will find your fortunes in Asgard changed. Although I do not think it would improve your status in Asgard if I lingered for too long."

Loki nodded. "And my actions on Midgard?"

"No longer concern me. You did not act to aid Chthon, you attempted to stop it. It is in the past."

"I was actually referring to my attempts of conquest."

"Ah. Yes." Atum thought for a moment, uncertain how to proceed. "I will admit none of my other children have ever put me in such a position. I'm afraid I will have to forbid such actions in the future."

Loki nodded again.

Atum hesitated, but couldn't think of anything else to say. "Farewell for now then... son."

"Farewell..." Loki appeared to choke for a moment. "Father."

Atum shook his head. "Too soon."

"Yes, it is," Loki agreed. "Although I am uncertain how to address you now."

"My name will be fine."

"Very well. Farewell, Atum."

Atum nodded once, though even that sounded strange. He left Loki to rest, hoping his son's life would become easier now he had confronted some of his inner demons.

_**AN: You can read more about Atum and Farbauti's relationship in Mythqueen's "The Heart of Everything" ;)**_


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter Seven**

Footsteps could be heard, approaching rapidly. Loki sighed, already knowing who this would be. He braced himself as Odin strode into the healing room. He was alone this time. His expression was neutral; he wasn't going to give anything away.

"Is Thor not with you?" Loki instantly cursed how timid and meek he sounded.

Fortunately, Odin did not comment on it. "He was needed elsewhere."

Loki found himself fidgeting with the edge of the blanket and forced himself to stop. He raised his chin so that he was looking levelly at the king. He wanted to think of Odin as his father, wanted to call him such, but he didn't see the man who had raised him anymore. That man, even when he raged, had some warmth in his eyes. The man standing before Loki now had no such warmth.

"What did you wish to speak about?"

Odin was silent for a moment. "I may have been wrong to sentence you so harshly, before."

Loki didn't know what to say. And his momentary vulnerability left him angry, and he replied sarcastically. "Odin Allfather made a mistake? Surely not!"

"Loki-" Odin started sharply.

"Yes?" Loki pressed, arching a brow.

Odin was silent.

"What did you want to say?"

"You will remain under guard here until you have fully recovered from your ordeal," Odin said in a clipped tone.

Loki was unimpressed. "And then?"

"Your situation will be revisited. Thor tells me that you fought bravely against Chthon with his latest attack on the nine realms."

Loki snorted in disbelief. Did Odin think that he would fall for such a line? "I inadvertently led to his emergence, and almost died. Hardly heroic."

"Forgive me if I-"

Loki interrupted harshly. "Take your _son's_ words over mine?"

Was he imagining the sag of Odin's shoulders?

The tense silence was broken as Frigga came into the room. Both Loki and Odin turned to look at her. She stopped, her gaze flickering between them. Then, with a small smile at Odin, she walked over to Loki and kissed his forehead, the way she had when he was a child.

And he knew that she would always be his mother.

"I did not mean to interrupt your... discussion. I wished to know how you feel now, Loki."

"I am feeling much better, thank you."

"I am glad." Frigga smiled at him, and cupped his face with her hand. He wanted to cling to her like a child and let her fight away his tears. But he had not been able to show any sort of weakness to anybody, not even his mother, for a long time.

"Frigga, Loki and I have much yet to discuss."

"I understand," Frigga nodded to Odin, and then turned to Loki again. "I will speak to you later."

She pressed another kiss to his forehead. As she passed Odin, she took his hand briefly, and gave him a meaningful look. Loki didn't dare look at the Allfather as she left. He hoped that her words were true, but how could they be? This... This would be the last time he ever saw her. He would be sent back to that lonely dungeon soon enough, no matter what supposedly heroic deeds he did against Chthon.

"Loki!" Odin said sharply, bringing the trickster out of his thoughts. "We need to decide what will be done with you when you leave here."

Loki frowned and arched a brow. "_We_?"

Odin arched his brow. "Surely you wish to have some say in how you will spend your life?"

"I certainly had no say the first time," Loki retorted bitingly "I've never known Asgard's king to do anything with a frost giant except to slaughter him."

Odin gritted his teeth. "If you will not volunteer an opinion as to what you wish your fate to be, how do you expect to receive a satisfactory decision?"

What sort of sick joke was Odin playing? Did he seriously expect Loki to be so stupid?

"Very well," Odin sighed. "When you have recovered, you will be restored to your old quarters where you will stay under guard. The palace will be free for you to roam with an escort, but if you wish to traverse the city you will be required to be guarded by two of the Einherjar, as well as Thor or one of his companions-in-arms. You will not be permitted to leave Asgard at this time, unless by some urgent need."

What? Loki stared at Odin, searching for some sort of deceit in him. Surely the events on Midgard could not have been enough to change his mind so much? Then why-

Oh. Loki sighed, shaking his head. "The threat of Atum, is it?"

"Do you accept these terms?"

"I am not to be locked away in the dungeons?" Loki asked doubtfully.

"No, not at present, although any suspicious behaviour on your part will result in a reconsidering of these conditions. Is that understood?"

"Yes, Father," would have been his response once upon a time. But not now. Loki pushed himself to his feet and bowed. "Understood, My Lord."

He staggered. He was more tired than he had realised! Odin reached forward as though to steady him, but stopped himself.

"Rest now," he said, and Loki imagined that his voice contained some of its old tenderness. "You still have a long road to recovery. Would you like to see your mother?"

Loki nodded while he climbed back into his bed, completely missing how Odin referred to Frigga. Odin left without another word. Loki's eyes felt heavy, but he fought sleep, wanting to see his mother again before he went to sleep. If he slept, maybe he'd wake up and find it all a dream. The thought was painful.

A few moments later, the bed sagged. Loki's eyes opened to see Frigga sitting beside him.

"Mother."

Frigga brushed his dark hair back from his forehead. "He didn't mean what he said, before you returned to Midgard. When he called you Laufeyson."

"If you say so."

It was obvious he was trying to humour her.

"He has expressed his regret to me many times, Loki. And never with a dry eye."

Loki looked away sullenly. "He is not regretful enough to take it back to my face."

"Your father is a stubborn man. He has had to be, as king. He does not always know when he should bend."

Loki opened his mouth to correct her – Odin was not his father, but closed it again. He didn't want to argue now.

"And I am aware that he is not your true father," Frigga continued in a stern tone he knew well, "but he has always tried to fulfill that role to the best of his ability."

"He was always a king first, father second."

Frigga sighed. "The duties of a king are hard, Loki. Surely you grasped that, when you held the throne? Look what the pressure drove you to do!"

Was it the pressure of ruling, the revelation about his true heritage, anger, jealousy, or something else that drove Loki to his actions? "Perhaps."

"I am sorry, now is not the time for this," Frigga said, threading her fingers through his hair. "You need to rest. Go to sleep. I'll stay for a little while."

Loki didn't want to succumb, but his body cried for sleep and within moments, it had won.

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Thor found Balder in his quarters. His youngest brother was standing at his window, staring out. his hands were clasped behind his back, his shoulders hitched forward, a frown wrinkling his young brow. He looked so much like Loki when he was thinking! But it wasn't surprising. Ever since a young age, Balder mimicked his family – Loki, Thor, Odin and Frigga. He had copied them so much that many of their gestures had become his as well.

"Are you certain that you are all right?"

Balder jumped. Thor smiled fondly, realising that Balder had been lost deep in thought.

"Hmm? Oh, yes, I'm fine. I was just...thinking..."

Thor joined Balder at the window. "About what?"

"Nothing..." his voice was faraway and vague.

"I am sure you're going to be lectured by Mother and Father about the rashness of your actions, so I will not. I just wanted to make sure you were all right, and to tell you that I am glad you are."

Balder ducked his head sheepishly. "Thank you. I suppose I was somewhat rash, travelling to Midgard as I did."

Thor fondly ruffled his little brother's hair. "You are more important to Asgard than you realise."

Balder pushed away Thor's hand. "Thor! Must you treat me like a child?"

"Yes," Thor teased. "Yes. Even when you've married a lovely young maiden, I think we _both_ know whom I'm referring to-"

"Thor!"

"And you've got dozens of hearty and hale children-"

"Dozens?" Balder interrupted, wrinkling his nose. "Nanna only wants four."

Thor raised his brows.

Balder flushed red. "Not that we're going to marry."

Thor chuckled.

"Argh!" Balder buried his head in his hands. "Can you please go and tease someone else now?"

"Ah, brother, but you turn such a delightful shade of red!"

"Go _away_!"

Thor paused a moment. If Balder did banish him, where would he go? "If I promise to stop teasing," he said in a half-serious tone, "will you let me stay?"

Balder peeked through his fingers. "Maybe. What do you want to talk about?"

"I don't know that I want to talk at all, brother. I just don't want to be alone right now, and I don't want to answer a lot of questions."

"Fair enough." Though his face was still red from embarrassment, a mischievous grin spread across Balder's face. "So, as you were on Midgard, did you get a chance to speak with your Lady Jane?"

"I said I did not want to answer questions," Thor said sternly.

"Is that a no? She must be getting very angry with you, brother..."

"Balder, enough."

Balder held up his hands defensively. "Alright, alright. Do you have to be so grumpy?"

"I am sorry."

"That's okay." Balder's young face twisted in worry. "Is Loki going to be alright?"

"I believe so." Thor tried to sound confident.

Balder's brow furrowed. "I think I'll go check on him."

"Loki needs rest."

"Right. I think I'll go talk with Nanna, then."

Thor caught his brother's arm. "Just be careful what you speak of, and who may hear you."

"Right. Of course," Balder said distractedly.

Thor sighed and shook his head.

.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.- .-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.- .-.-.-.-.-.-.

Sigyn hesitated before entering the healing room in which Loki currently resided. The news that he was Atum's son was still reeling in her mind. Was it foolishness that drove her to seek him out? She was relieved when she entered to see that he was sleeping while Frigga watched over him. Sigyn bowed her head.

"My queen. How is he?"

Frigga smiled comfortingly at her. "He sleeps. He scared us all, but he will be fine."

"So I heard." Sigyn hesitated. She shivered to remember her brief time as Chthon's prisoner. "Is Atum still in Asgard?"

"I do not know. He left Loki some time ago, but I have no knowledge of where he went. Why do you ask?"

Did the queen know? Sigyn pondered what she should do. She certainly had no right to tell the queen the truth of Loki's father if she did not already know! "My mother told me some... unexpected things about him."

Frigga smiled sadly. "You refer to Atum being Loki's father."

Sigyn sighed in relief and nodded.

"It certainly... complicates things."

"Yes, it does." Sigyn paused. "Do you mind if I wait here until he wakes?"

"No, of course not. I must be leaving soon, anyway. I am certain he would be glad of the company when he wakes." Frigga gestured Sigyn to a chair. "How have you been managing? Theoric's passing took us all by surprise."

"As well as can be expected, I suppose. I have been very lonely."

"I have been meaning to tell you, if you do not wish to remain in your marital home alone you are welcome to take up residence here, in the palace."

"Thank you. My step-grandmother has offered me Hnossa's old house on Vanaheim, but I don't think I could live there. It's been kept exactly how she left it, but all of her warmth has gone..." Sigyn felt tears well in her eyes, thinking of her long-departed sister. "Am I cursed to be forever parted with those I love the most?"

Frigga put a comforting arm around her. "Of course not. Life often tests us, but we all receive happiness in the end."

Sigyn smiled, though she didn't believe the queen's words. Frigga smiled gently, and then left. Sigyn wiped her eyes, moving her chair closer to Loki's side. She tenderly brushed the dark hair from his forehead. He stirred, but didn't wake.

"I have always loved you," she whispered.

A tear dripped from her nose. A hand laid on her shoulder and she jumped, thinking that Frigga had returned. But when she looked, it was her grandmother.

"I told your mother once that love deceives."

Sigyn hastily wiped her face. "Sorry?"

"Love deceives everyone."

"But what is the point of living without love?"

"You cannot live _without_ love, but you should never rely solely upon it."

Sigyn shook her head. Far too often people mistook her for her mother. "Grandmother, you have known me all my life. When have I followed the advice of my heart without first consulting logic and reason?"

"Never, but I would not see you break that habit now."

"Never fear that," Sigyn replied somewhat bitterly. "Even were it possible for Loki and I... even if we were not cousins, too much has happened. I can't trust him anymore. Love without trust is dead."

Gaea smiled wryly. "If only that were true," she whispered, and then added normally. "I am glad you will not insist on pursuing Loki- his destiny leads him elsewhere, far from Asgard."

Sigyn frowned. "What do you mean?"

Gaea smiled enigmatically.

"Grandmother, what do you mean? Where does Loki's destiny belong, if not on Asgard?"

"He must discover that for himself."

"That's helpful."

Sigyn jumped as Loki spoke. He pushed himself up so he was sitting. Gaea smirked, as though she already knew he was awake.

"Loki!" Sigyn cried, embarrassed and frustrated as her heart started beating faster when he met her eyes. She tried to calm herself. "How are you feeling?"

Loki yawned, and then in a teasing tone said, "As though I am exhausted and people keep waking me up."

Sigyn laughed nervously. "Do you want to be left alone?"

Loki caught her hand as she stood. "No. I was actually hoping that we could speak."

"I will return later," Gaea said, and left quietly.

Sigyn sat, gently pulling her hand away from Loki's. "What did you want to speak about?"

"I, uh... I..."

"The Silver Tongue is lost for words?" Sigyn teased.

Loki looked almost afraid. "This is difficult, I'm not sure how to say it..."

"Just say it. Have I ever judged or scorned you for your words?"

Loki smiled, but it quickly faded. "I don't know who all knows this, but... I have discovered most abruptly that I am... not in fact Laufey's son."

Sigyn sighed. "You are worrying too much, as usual. I was already aware of that. And is it not a good thing, not being related to the likes of Laufey?"

Loki's brow furrowed. "Who told you?"

"Does it matter?"

"I would like to know if my true father is known to all far and wide. It will make a difference, how they see me..."

"It only changes how I see you insofar as we are cousins," Sigyn reassured him. "It does not change your personality- you are who you have always been."

Loki's gaze was intense. "Who am I, Sigyn?"

"Loki, prince and greatest sorcerer of Asgard."

"But your grandm- _Our_ grandmother has said my destiny lies outside of Asgard. How can that mean that I am yet its prince? Besides that... I am no longer Odin's son."

"He raised you. That makes you his son, whether you or he want to admit that or not. As for leaving Asgard- Thor often does, and his status as prince is not jeopardised."

"His destiny is to be king. He will always come back." Loki sighed. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to put this on you."

"It's what friends are for, isn't it? And..." Sigyn hesitated. "Maybe it would be best if you spent some time away, time to order your thoughts, think about your future. What you want from life."

Loki looked down. "Sigyn... I know that it is impossible, now, but I've never-"

"Don't, Loki," Sigyn interrupted softly. "Neither one of us can take that, now right now."

Loki nodded. "Of course. I am sorry."

"I hope you at least consider what I said." She smiled sadly. "I should go."

"Please don't."

Sigyn shook her head. She recognised the tone of Loki's voice. "Loki, if you still harbour hopes of...it can never be, we are _cousins_!"

"I know. I know it can never be. I told you that a long time ago, remember?"

"Alright, I will stay if you insist, but don't forget Gaea- Jord," she corrected, remembering the common name that the Aesir referred to Gaea as, "wished to speak with you. Do you not want privacy for that?"

Loki spoke stiffly. "I do not wish to speak with her at this time."

"Loki."

"I only meant that I have a lot of things to make sense of, I don't need more... to look at Thor's mother and know she is my grandmother?"

Sigyn nodded. "Of course. I did not think of it that way...I suppose that does make things awkward..."

"It is a lot to take in," Loki agreed. "You are my cousin... Thor is my _uncle_."

The utter befuddlement in his voice made Sigyn laugh.

It was then that Gaea walked in. She smiled briefly at Sigyn, and then turned her gaze on Loki. "I know that you perhaps do not wish to speak with me at this moment, but it is very important that we do." She turned back to Sigyn. "Your mother would like to apologise for her earlier behavior."

Sigyn hesitated. Not only because she did not truly wish to leave Loki at the moment, but her mother's apologies rarely made things better.

Loki nodded to her. "Go on."

"All right." Sigyn's voice was a sigh.

After Sigyn was gone, Gaea sat on the edge of Loki's bed. _She is my grandmother_, he thought. And then, _I look older than she does!_

"Is there anything you wish to ask me? I know Atum is not particularly skilled at reading people's feelings."

Loki mulled it over. What did he want to ask? "Am I insane?"

Gaea smiled, as though she had expected the question. "Why ever would you think that?"

"Because none of this can be real."

"It is, I assure you. As abstract and strange as this situation is, it is the truth."

Loki breathed out a sigh. "What was it you wished to talk to me about?"

"I have an enquiry, and a few words of advice."

"What advice?"

Gaea's sweet, kind face became very serious. "You know the truth of Atum's father."

Loki's gaze dropped.

"Your heritage does not define you. It may influence you, but it does not have the final say." Gaea cupped her hand under Loki's chin and raised it until he was looking at her. "You have to look no further than my brothers and my sister and I to see that. You make your choices, Loki. Don't let what you _think_ of your heritage choose for you."

Loki wasn't certain how to reply. "And your enquiry?"

"I merely wished to know your plans once you have recovered. Will you remain in Asgard?"

"At the moment, I have nowhere else to go."

Gaea raised her blonde brows. "Did you ever consider exploring your birthplace?"

"I have seen Jotunheim," Loki replied in disgust.

"Under Laufey's rule, yes. Things may have changed since then."

"You mean after I slaughtered the Jotuns king and tried to destroy their world?" Loki shook his head. "I somehow doubt that I would be welcomed."

"And you base this assumption on the Jotun race's fondness for Laufey? One who rules by fear and tyranny will not hold much loyalty."

Loki frowned. He had never considered what sort of king Laufey had been. "I would have gladly slaughtered them all."

"You were biased by your upbringing. Given what you know now, about your birth mother, would you repeat your actions?"

Loki leaned back. "Laufey murdered her when I was a babe. There is nothing on Jotunheim that I..." a sudden thought occurred to him and he peered intently at Gaea, "Is this what you meant, about my destiny lying outside of Asgard? I heard you say to Sigyn... Is it my destiny to pay for my actions on Jotunheim?"

"Perhaps not in the way you mean, but you must discover that for yourself. I will leave you to think on it, grandson."

Loki frowned. "That's it? You chased Sigyn away to give more vague, infuriating advice?"

Gaea laughed. She smiled enigmatically and left. Loki scowled. What was the use of having Elder gods as relatives if they didn't actually do anything? He pondered her words over and over until he fell asleep again. His dreams were haunted by confusing images of Odin, Frigga, Atum, Farbauti and Laufey. How could any sense come from this chaos?

_**To be continued...**_


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter Eight**

Thor decided that the best way to talk to Loki was to talk to him. With that in mind, he walked into the Healing Room where Loki was still recovering. Everything he planned to say immeadiately vanished, and he stood there awkwardly for some time.

"I... Are you feeling better, brother?" he asked eventually.

Loki looked at him in silence. Thor's heart sank.

"What?"

"Shouldn't you be calling me nephew?"

Thor opened his mouth, and stopped. Was that a joke? Loki's expression was completely serious, though... "I hadn't considered that," he said slowly. "This is undoubtedly strange... Brother."

Loki managed a smile. "Indeed it is."

Thor sat down. "Perhaps for the moment I will simply call you by your name."

"Thor, when you discovered your true heritage, all those years ago," Loki began, and then paused for so long Thor thought he had changed his mind.

"Yes?"

"If you had been unable to speak with your mother, been unable to meet her, would you have still gone to Midgard? To learn more of her?"

"I do not know..." Thor frowned. "Are you thinking of Jotunheim?"

"No," Loki instantly snapped defensively.

Thor grinned, but it was short lived. "You used to be a far more convincing liar, Loki."

Loki rolled his eyes, but then looked troubled. "When I was in my mind, I saw a memory. Of Farbauti. She... she died trying to keep me from Laufey, Thor. I thought that both of them abandoned me to die because I was a runted child, but she... It doesn't matter, I suppose. Odin would never trust me to go to Jotunheim, and even if he did they'd be quick to rip me to pieces."

"I could persuade Father, I am sure, if you truly wanted to go," Thor offered. "And surely you could keep your presence there hidden if you wished?"

"Perhaps." Loki's frown deepened. "In my memory, there was a girl who called Laufey "father". I didn't know he had any children."

"Perhaps that is something else you could discover?"

Loki shrugged. "Perhaps. I'm not sure that it matters one way or another, though." He looked down at his hands, and started picking at the cuticle of his thumb. "Thor, when we were on earth... What I did to Wanda Maximoff, I did because I thought it was the only way to prevent Chthon from wholly possessing her."

Thor sighed. "Are you familiar with the human's saying about the road to Hel?"

Loki shook his head.

"They say it is paved with good intentions."

"What, they think there aren't enough evil intentions to get the job done?" Loki's brow furrowed. "It would have been a favour to her, had it worked..." He shook his head. "I am not so different from my father after all, am I?"

"I do not know what you mean."

"I very nearly killed an innocent girl because I thought it would stop Chthon. How many lives have been lost to Atum's blade for the same thing?"

Thor wished that he was better with words. He frowned, heavy in thought. "You and he only do what you believe to be right." He paused, and then voiced a fear he had never spoken before. "How many innocent beings do you imagine I have killed, lost in battle-rage?"

Loki rolled his eyes. "You've only killed armed foes, Thor. There is a difference."

"Is there?" Thor challenged quickly. "You honestly think that because they were armed, that they truly were willing to die for their cause? That they could not have been coerced or blackmailed into fighting? We all have doubts, Loki."

"Some more than others, brother."

Thor couldn't stop the foolish grin that spread across his face. He sat beside Loki and nudged him teasingly. "I think you mean uncle."

"What?"

"Did you not refer to yourself as my nephew earlier?" he began to chuckle.

Loki rolled his eyes. "Oaf." He grinned, though, and chuckled too. His, however, died after a few moments. "Thor, there is something I want to ask you. And please bear in mind that I sincerely want to know."

The smile faded from Thor's face."What is it?"

"When I attempted my conquest on earth, I saw... I thought I saw... engraved on your vambraces..."

Thor's brow furrowed for a moment. "You mean the silhouette of your helmet?"

Loki nodded. "Why?"

Thor looked down for a moment. "I thought you were dead. You are my brother, Loki. It was a remembrance of you, of how close we once were."

"So I wasn't just imagining things?"

"Why would you think you had imagined it?"

"Because of everything I had done. I nearly... I nearly killed you, Thor. And because despite everything you said about returning home, you still..." Loki looked away. "You still would have killed me."

Thor frowned, utterly bewildered. "When did I give you the impression that I would kill you?"

Loki raised his eyebrow. It was the look he always gave when he thought that whatever he was talking about should be perfectly clear. However, Thor had no comprehension whatsoever.

"I do not know what you are referring to, Loki."

"You really don't, do you?" Loki asked softly.

"No, so would you kindly explain?"

"When you thought I was responsible for Chthon's attack on earth, for one."

It was Thor's turn to look away, ashamed. "I was angry, I admit, but I would not have taken your life."

Loki peered intently at Thor. "And if it had turned out that I had knowingly set Chthon free?"

What was the point of this line of questioning? "You would never have done such a thing."

"That is not the point."

"I know not what I would have done," Thor admitted, hating that he didn't have a proper answer. "Does that satisfy you?"

"I suppose so."

They sat in silence. Thor cast about desperately for something to talk about. He used to be able to speak with his brother about anything! His mind came up blank on everything, though, until-

"Have I told you of young Balder's affection for Nanna?" Thor blurted.

Loki raised his brow. "Nanna? Freyja's youngest?"

Thor nodded.

"Balder and Nanna." Loki frowned for a moment. "Does Freyja approve of them?"

"I have heard nothing to the contrary." Thor chuckled. "I would say that Father is already anticipating their marriage."

Loki shook his head. "Typical of Odin, always plotting the future."

Thor felt his small bubble of happiness burst. "Loki-"

"I do not want to hear whatever you have to say about him, Thor," Loki replied sharply. "I only have so much forgiveness that I can work on at one time. At this time I'm using up my allotment on you."

Thor sighed. "Will you forgive me some day?"

Loki looked up. He peered intently at Thor and then nodded. "Some day. Finding out that Atum is my father may actually have some benefit in that area. I'm too confused to be very angry right now."

Thor's lips twitched.

"Someday..." Loki frowned. "Someday I will go to Jotunheim. To learn more about Farbauti."

"I hope you find what you are looking for."

Loki snorted. "Thor, I don't even _know_ what I'm looking for."

"Then I hope you discover what it is you are looking for!"

Loki rolled his eyes. "Thank you."

"Careful, brother," Thor teased. "Your sarcasm is slipping."

"I think it is your mental faculties that are slipping, Thor!"

"Surely not!"

"Ah, more proof to my point." Loki grinned. "For my name is Loki, not Shirley!"

Thor frowned. "What?"

Loki was too busy laughing to respond.

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Atum barely had time to turn when he heard the footsteps behind him before he was attacked. He instantly reached for his sword- but stopped when his "attacker" bounced off of him, falling to the ground. Balder stared up at him, panting for breath.

"Sorry, sorry!" the young prince gasped. "Oh... it's you..."

Atum rolled his eyes and yanked Balder back to his feet. "Have you never learned to look where you're going?"

Balder's brows knit. "Is that a rhetorical question?"

Atum rolled his eyes. "Never mind. Where were you running to anyway?"

"I was looking for you, actually. To thank you."

"Why?" Atum demanded skeptically.

"For saving Loki."

"He is my son, why would I have done otherwise?"

Balder shrugged. "That doesn't really make a difference. Lots of fathers don't take care of their children. Nanna's doesn't even acknowledge her existence. She pretends it doesn't bother her, but I know it does."

"And this information is relevant to me because...?"

"I'm just saying thank you."

"Well, now you have that out of your system..." he gestured for Balder to leave, and continued on his path.

Instead, the prince fell into step beside him. They may not be blood kin, but the boy was certainly Loki's brother!

"Loki told me that when I was a baby I wasn't scared of you."

"You weren't. I see nothing has changed." He glared, but young Balder seemed to be completely oblivious to it.

"There isn't a whole lot of things that scare me, to be honest." Balder's brow knit, and his expression took on the cares of the world. "Everybody says that I'm foolish and gullible, but the way I see it, if everybody just loved everybody else, there wouldn't be so much anger."

Atum laughed bitterly. "I would not recommend you sharing that view with some of the beings I have fought, child."

Balder looked up at him. "It is all right just to say that I'm stupid, you know," he said innocently. "People say it to me all the time. But if there were no weapons and just hugs, would you even have to fight?"

"Have you ever even been in battle, boy?"

"No. And I know that lots of times there is no other choice but to fight or die. Or both. I'm just saying that if everybody refused to fight, then..." He trailed off and scuffed his toes against the dirt. "Never mind. I guess I really am stupid."

Atum smiled wryly, and if he would admit it to himself, fondly. "Not stupid, just an idealist." He added in a mutter. "And very naive."

"What was that thing in Loki's mind?"

Atum was silent.

"Is it gone?"

"No."

Balder's young face shone with concern.

"That shadow was..." How could he word it? The echo of Demogorge inherited from his father, who inherited it from his father? No, he could not say that. Atum was not even fully certain that was what the shadow was, though he could see no other explanation. "It was Loki's fears made manifest." That was true enough, no matter which way you looked at it. "Fears that strong do not disappear over the course of one week."

"But they will go away eventually, won't they?"

Atum didn't reply. He turned to leave, and Balder turned the other way. Suddenly, Atum felt a shiver run down his spine. He felt power coalesce behind him. Chthonic power.

"So..." Balder said, but it wasn't Balder's voice anymore. It was harsh, rough. "The whelp is your son. I thought there was something _special_ about him."

"Chthon," Atum hissed, spinning around. "Stay out of this!"

Chthon laughed through Balder's mouth, slowly and mockingly. He turned. Balder's normally blue eyes shone red. "Stay out of what? This oh-so-touching reunion? Father and son, lost and found... Perhaps I should go give congratulations to my_ grandson_ as well?"

Atum lifted his hand and ignited the white-hot flame around it. "Leave before I force you, again."

Chthon smiled, and when he spoke, Atum heard layers of Balder's voice mixed in with the demon's. "You would take this brat's life to be rid of me? The beloved brother of your newfound son. You think he would forgive you for that?"

Atum hesitated.

"Oh, that sentiment your mother infused you with!" Chthon laughed again. "We shall be rid of it someday."

"You will never have your way, monster!"

Chthon turned at Gaea's voice. Atum saw her standing some distance away. She threw her hands forward, green light bursting around her. The demon flinched and froze. He fought against her power, a furious snarl on his lips. Atum plunged his hands through Balder's back. He felt the dark shadow twist under his grasp and yanked it out.

Balder collapsed to the ground, unconscious. Chthon's shadow wriggled for a moment, and then disappeared from Atum's hand. He stood still while Gaea rushed forward and checked the young god.

"So he does know," Atum said heavily.

"Does it really change anything?" Gaea asked, pressing her fingers against Balder's neck. "Loki is on his guard against him, he was even before he knew his heritage."

Atum crouched beside them. "He was able to possess the boy, though they never had contact? No..." He sighed. "Of course. Chthon was released into Asgard when Balder was a baby. I must have missed something, something that leaves him open to..."

"He lives." Gaea looked up. "Is he free of the darkness now?"

Atum passed his hand over Balder. "I cannot tell." He sighed. "It seems... Even if Loki is not the one to end his brother's life, he is indeed the cause of it. There is nothing that can save him from this fate now."

Gaea reached over and grasped his hand. "We should not speak of this, to anyone. Foresight is not always certain... There may be hope yet. And if there is not yet, he should be allowed to enjoy his time here."

Atum stood abruptly. "If hugging was only the answer to everything," he murmured.

"What?"

"Nothing. Just the dream of a fool..." _But which fool?_

Balder's eyes fluttered open and he groaned. "What happened?"

Gaea quickly helped him sit up. "What do you remember last?"

"I...asked Atum...something, turned to leave, then...I don't know."

"You tripped over your own feet and hit your head," Atum supplied.

Balder blinked, going scarlet. "Um, alright, that's embarassing..." He got to his feet, stumbled a bit, and then stammered goodbyes while beating a hasty retreat.

Gaea turned to Atum and shook her head. "Was that really necessary?"

"Would you rather I had told him the truth?"

"I suppose not."

Atum turned and walked swiftly away. "When gods and demons meet, it is always the innocent that suffer."

"If only you could apply that to yourself."

Atum heard his mother's words, but didn't turn.

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Odin stood on the balcony to his private quarters, looking out over his kingdom. He heard Frigga enter. She walked up beside him, looped her arm through his and laid her head on his shoulder. Without her, he didn't know what he would do. Fall apart.

"How do you fare?" she asked. "This day has been trying."

"I am very well, considering... Loki called me father."

He glanced at Frigga to see a smile curling her lips. "I never thought to hear him address you as such again, especially now."

"Neither did I."

Frigga wiped at her eyes. "Perhaps now he will truly find happiness here."

"Here? No, Frigga, I do not think so. There is too much hurt in these walls, and too much anger outside of them. I hope one day there can be peace between us all, but I do not think it can be found on Asgard." Odin's brow furrowed and he was troubled. "Not yet."

"I cannot bear the thought of him leaving again. And how can he? Your decision was for him to remain within Asgard."

Odin felt a swirl of anger rise in him, but it was not directed at Frigga. "And Atum has made it very clear to me that I am not to restrict Loki's movements, unless I believe that they will cause harm upon the realm."

Frigga turned him so that he was looking at her. She cupped his face with her hands. "Would you keep him imprisoned forever? Is it not best to give Loki freedom? He did us a great service, accompanying Thor to Midgard to aid in the battle against Chthon. If risking his life is not enough for forgiveness, what is?"

Odin sighed and rested his forehead against hers. "I am not sure his motivations were for Midgard's sake or his own. But never mind that, Frigga. What is done is done, and what will be, will be. He is safe and whole, and he is here, at least for the time being. Have you spoken with him?"

"Briefly, he was too exhausted to say much."

Odin's brow furrowed. "I wonder... if some time away may actually benefit him. He may find clarity and peace more easily without members of old and new families crowding him."

"You will have Heimdall watch him, if he decides to leave? To make sure he stays safe?"

"Of course. Besides, he is in no state to travel anywhere at present."

Frigga sighed. "All I want is for my sons to be safe."

"They are," Odin assured her, kissing her lightly. "They are."

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Balder massaged his aching temples as he entered his room. He had gone to the healing rooms, but nobody there was any help. His head throbbed and he felt like he was going to pass out at any moment. He kicked off his boots and lay down on his bed. A beam of sunlight was shining on his face, but it felt warm and comforting, so he didn't move. He was quickly asleep.

A shadow blocked the sun. The light vanished.

And a long, slow chuckle like a hiss filled the room.

**The End...(for now!)**

_**AN: Loki's story is continued in Myth Queen's "Fire and Ice": Loki is still trying to carve a place in the Nine Realms, unsure of what to do with himself. But when Angrboda of Jotunheim arrives in Asgard, determined to take him back to Jotunheim and take his place as Laufey's first son, things will never be the same.**_


End file.
